A month in India, part 4: Dhoom 3 on Dhoom Day, Kolkata.

If Indian film promotion is a hurricane, then the first 10 days of our time in India were spent in the eye of the storm known as Dhoom 3. This was not a thing you could avoid, from Kolkata's metro platforms to the road crossing near our hotel, where a bowler hat-wearing Aamir Khan gazed over us. Promos on TV, posters on walls, advertisements on our morning papers - we saw it all.

And yet, we didn't mind one bit. This was the craze we'd signed up for - this was the movie that would be descending on India, and we knew precisely what we were in for. We smiled at every piece of gross, over-exposed piece of promotion we ran into, I worried over one restaurant supper whether we'd make it in time to catch Aamir's Koffee with Karan episode in the hotel room (which I got to watch and it was a blast). There probably should've been a moment where one went, "Okay, enough with this Dhoom 3 already!" and yet there kind of never was? We ate it up, eagerly.

In an ironic twist, perhaps, we watched the megalomaniac Bollywood big budget blockbuster in the city of art cinema, Kolkata, at a southern Kolkata multiplex called London Paris ("Just like home, eh?" I asked my Londoner friend). The tickets were the most expensive movie tickets we'd ever bought in India, 350 rupees each, but the seats reclined nicely, the atmosphere was excellent, and this was the opening Friday night, so one could expect to pay a premium (and compared to Finnish movie ticket prices, this was peanuts).

So what about the actual film itself? The glorious sequel to the maddest madcap action film series the world has ever seen? (And yes, the Fast and the Furious films are quite madcap as well, but they never had Vin Diesel dressing up as the Queen of England, so I think Dhoom still wins over its original inspiration.) Well, this was, in many ways, a very loyal sequel to the previous two. The villain still gets center stage, and any badassery and action sequences that Jai and Ali (Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra, respectively) receive is almost like a pity hand-out, because it's not quite a Dhoom movie without them, and yet you get the sense that both of the sequels have kind of wished they could let these two characters go already. The women are still ludicrously under-written or just plain ludicrous, and mostly there to show off some skin, and dance in some songs. The action is reaching new heights, or new laws of physics.

And yet Dhoom 3 is different. It contains an emotional heart that doesn't quite sit with everything that's been wrapped around it - the formula, that is. It has a central performance that simultaneously makes you gasp in awe and then squirm in discomfort. It was a love story that is criminally (pun intended) underwritten and yet quite sweet. It falls somewhat short on the chemistry between Jai and the villain, which was largely the tentpole that held up the previous two films, but it's still good - replacing this is a chemistry between, well, two other leads.

The soundtrack is a winner from top to bottom, at least in my books. The tap dance spin on the Dhoom Machale number seems gimmicky but sounds and looks legitimately awesome, the circus picturization of Malang is just stunning, and Tu Hi Junoon is a winner all the way. Of course, my love for these songs is peppered by the nostalgia of hearing them during the trip, seeing all of those promos pop up here and there, plus the fact that these are absolutely amazing picturizations to be watched on the big screen.

Dhoom films will always defy logic and be considered as bad by some as they are considered amazing by others. As much as I try to rate these films in a sphere of their own, not to be compared or contrasted against any other films but each other, I can't help but feel that what I told my friend, walking to a Bengali restaurant after the movie, is very true: "This was the most amazing bad movie I have ever seen. Loved it. Will hear nothing bad against it." And yet something bad is precisely what I'm about to voice about it.

Even in the conventional masala madcap forgiveness, one has to forgive Dhoom 3 for a lot of things. Its attempts at being so so cool undercut its desire to be a legitimately good movie with an emotional core. The way it ignores Katrina Kaif's character for most of the movie, barely giving her any lines, barely ever giving her an actual characterisation, only hampers the story as a whole. While Ali's Mumbaiyya lines brought some people in the audience to tears with laughter, many others in the audience, including myself, remained stoic and didn't bite. As slick as it is, as wild as it is, as good (and as bad) as Aamir Khan's performance is, the fact remains it just isn't as good as it could be.

And yet, it's absolutely fantastic, without a doubt my favourite of the film series, and the sole Dhoom film I'll be glad to own on DVD. You should probably see it, for many a reason, and expect nothing, and expect everything, and know that when back in the day some of us theorised about what kind of a Dhoom film they'd have to make to convince Aamir Khan to join it, we didn't quite know it would be this epic a result.

Ek Tha Tiger and the inescapable comparison.

It was inevitable that I would dig up my Agent Vinod review to write this one: the two films invite comparison, even though their successes and failures are entirely their own, and their genres differ as well. Still, two recent films starring real-life couples about Indian agents who fall in love with women from the other side and traipse the world as the plot progresses - so which film comes out on top?

In Agent Vinod, Vinod has a real case on his hands, so the love story takes a backseat. In Ek Tha Tiger, the love story frames the entire film, and somehow magically benefits it. There's still action, but the action only takes place within that love story, and is made more awesome for it.

It's the weirdest thing. Agent Vinod did, in some ways, attempt to reach the stars; the scale was ambitious, but certain things about the handling of the plot, the dull acting and the lack of that little something extra ultimately made it a disappointing watch despite its grand technical merits. Kabir Khan chooses a tell a fairly simplistic story, but does so well, and whatever other things he gets in the plus column (well-directed action, handsome cinematography, fun songs) only add to the film's uncomplicated fun.

I've only seen Katrina and Salman act against each other in the atrocious and objectionable Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya (where the comedy revolves entirely around cheating!), so it's quite easy for them to portray a better chemistry here, seeing as how she's grown as an actress. Still, not quite enough for my taste. The thing about Salman's recent renaissance batch of films (Dabangg, Wanted etc) is that they use utilize his limited emoting skills and his unlimited Being Salman skills perfectly. Ek Tha Tiger demands some emoting, and against as limited an actress as Katrina, the chemistry just isn't as off-the-charts as one would wish for a film that focuses so much on the love story between their two characters.  It's okay - it's just not amazing.

Even so, for a cute love story wrapped in a well-executed action film mold, I'd rewatch Ek Tha Tiger without a doubt. It's filmi flare is eventually what saves it, it's just a shame that the best chemistry exemplified by the leads can be found in the song that's not bound in the narrative itself: Mashallah. 

14 days of Katrina Alerts.

Two weeks ago I put Katrina Kaif on Google Alerts and began reading everything that came up. I'm not sure what I thought would be the point of this exercise - perhaps just to test out Google Alerts, perhaps to learn something about one of the biggest names in Bollywood, but also one of the most controversial ones.

Myself, I'm of two minds when it comes to Katrina. On the superficial film viewer level, I'm not bothered by her. She's done some good films, some bad, and occasionally puts in a good performance. She's in a couple of favourites, but I've never considered myself a fan of her. On the other hand, there's a more conscious part of me who cannot ignore the politics of casting Katrina and other white or mixed women as Indian characters. In an industry where the beauty ideals are very affected by a colorist mindset (where dark is never thought of as beautiful), casting non-Indians signals that local actresses just aren't pretty because they're not white enough.

There are a lot of interesting aspects about Katrina's stardom. She's an outsider, but benefited from having friends in the right places. She hasn't had a lot of scandals, but always has people talking about her. The fake last name reminds us that like all stars, she's a product - packaged, marketed and bought by the film-going public. At the same time, she's very unpretentious and genuine in her interviews - talking about working, working hard, wanting to do different things, try new things.

So what did the search results turn up? To start off, a pretty vacuous interview with a misleading title -  Katrina : I want only strong roles -  followed by a bit about her hectic schedule and an article about how she's one of Bollywood's under-30 "over-achievers". Then there's the obligatory "cat-fight" rumour spreading about the new YRF film starring Katrina, SRK and Anushka Sharma. Must you, media?

Speaking of that Yash Chopra film, it'll have a title soon. Not yet, though. (Good media tactic - keep the film in headlines by not having it have a title!) Even the actors don't know the title.

It seems she's become YRF's darling, starring also in the next film by the director of Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, alongside Arjun Kapoor and Ranveer Singh (another love triangle? spare us!). Oh wait, she's not cast in that movie. Well, according to that website, anyway. Who do we trust in this? (Do I really even care, seeing as how I found MBKD kind of mediocre?)

Finally a spot of controversy! Her assistant messed something up at customs. But there is an even bigger question floating around the nets - who out of Anushka and Katrina will wear the white chiffron sari, the staple of Yash Chopra films? Actually, the better question is - who will look hotter in it? And being the catty women they are, of course this leads to a tussle over the white sari. Except, of course, once you read the article, you find there wasn't really a tussle at all.

Oh, and are Priyanka and Katrina changing Khan camps? A word of advice: always be in the Aamir Khan camp. It's neutral and pleasant.

So what did I learn from all of this? Well, it seems that there is no end of material to squeeze out of absolute non-stories when it comes to young actresses. Diets, schedules, popularity, non-existent cat fights and hotness seem to be constant topics. Harking back to that first interview Google alerted me to - Katrina may only want to do strong roles, but the media seems quite happy casting her as just the popular beauty that she's been so far.

Three films I forgot about: Break Ke Baad, Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, Love Sex aur Dhokha.

One of the ways this blog is supposed to work is as a sort of opinion repository, which I can access to recall what my initial thoughts on a movie were, or what my thoughts after a multitude of rewatches ended up being. But then it so happens that I am absolutely lazy and occasionally forget to write about films I watch. The following three are some films I watched in the last 18 months that I then completely forgot to write about.

Break Ke Baad was a plane film for me, so I must've watched it when flying to Asia in early 2011. Or flying from Asia, little later than year. I honestly can't recall. As a plane film, this one is perfect - I don't particularly care for either of the stars, so I wasn't very likely to seek this one out, but I was nonetheless very enthusiastic to see more of Deepika Padukone and Imran Khan. They are a part of the new generation of stars I rambled about in this post: the folks who haven't yet quite impressed me but I keep hoping I'll get on the bandwagon soon enough.

The film itself is a simple enough romcom story: two childhood best friends, falling in love, and complete with the sorts of misunderstandings and failures in communication that happen when you've got two very different people interacting in a new mode - going from friends to loved ones. I remember being very unimpressed with the film initially, but sometime over the second half I was won over. I'm usually more forgiving when it comes to plane films anyway. When you're on a plane, I find myself in that weird, almost unreal state between sleep and consciousness. My ears are clogged, there's a lot of background noise, I'm surrounded by strangers.. It's all just weird. So when at that point I can submerge myself in the world of a film, it works a little better than if I was on the ground, in my bedroom, watching it on my laptop. So by the finale I was in tears - Deepika has a monologue bit that just kind of broke me.

But then .. it was a plane movie.

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan seemed to have everything going for it but somehow still failed in my eyes. The quirky romantic comedy setting of Imran's character seeking a bride for his brother (Ali Zafar!), and finding one who he happens to have a past with (Katrina Kaif) sounds like a pretty solid Bollywood entertainer. Add good songs, lots of Hindi filmi referential fodder, and a flashy YRF coating on the whole thing, and I should be melted into a happy puddle at this film's feet, right? Correct! I'm not that hard to please, honestly.

And yet...

Katrina's character's "rocker chick" style and "outrageousness" felt so try-hard it was unbearable instead of just cheesy (and therefore acceptable, the kind of thing you forgive a film that's otherwise charming). The manipulation from the main pair of the whole situation would have been fine, had I liked either as a character, but they both seemed very cardboard and bland. Ali Zafar's character, regardless of the fact he was kind of an asshole, ended up winning my sympathies more and the secondary pairing was pretty much a highlight of the whole film for me.

And what about those filmi history references? They didn't even make me crack up a smile. It was like they didn't try very hard to make the references clever or creative, it was just reference after reference and after a while, it was just like "Oh you referenced that movie, oh you referenced another film, oh yes Sholay is a famous film, well done, yes Raja Hindustani did have a scene like that, you are correct!". It just didn't really come together. Of course, this is all entirely subjective. I'm the kind of reviewer that probably likes or dislikes a film depending on how much coffee I drank that morning. But still. I keep thinking of films I enjoyed which also had a ton of filmi references. And I just can't help but think they put more of a creative spin on those jokes than this film did..


This film is not very new by this point but I did only watch it late last year, and it's definitely worth talking about, for all those who didn't see it: Love Sex aur Dhokha is a little, more independently produced than mainstream Hindi film, that slots comfortably in the "found footage" film genre. It's composed of three, slightly interjecting stories of precisely what it says on the box. Since the actors are unknowns, the film manages a brilliant, slightly eerie vibe of how this could actually all be very real, even when at the back of your head you know it's a completely fictional story, if somewhat based on real events (such as DPS MMS Scandal).

A part of what makes LSD so brilliant is how it uses the "found footage" genre's tools to create smaller stories than previously (after all, the genre was kicked off by Blair Witch Project, a supernatural horror film, and later made it big when JJ Abrams did his Cloverfield, a found footage monster actioner). Horror is probably the automatic choice for this genre, because the idea of people going missing, vanished into nothingness, with all that's left is a recording of what precisely happened to them, is a powerful starting point for any film.

LSD does something more mundane - it makes the footage portray its characters in a way that feels intimate and real, and then when things go wrong, the viewer just feels for them. It's not horror, where you're asked to reflect their anxiety and terror yourself, but there's more range to the emotions than just running around scared. There's empathy, joy, uncertainty, betrayal... There is a bit of horror, too, but mostly at the fact that if you made the wrong choices in life, messed with the wrong people, stepped over the line one time too many, this might happen to you.

However, the benefit of sticking to realism, and not trying to showcase the supernatural or gruesome killings, is enormous, and this film is utterly worth watching, if only for how the stories seam together. The soundtrack - yes, there is one, and the way it's integrated is pretty interesting - is also very much worth listening to.

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara - audio review.

I decided that instead of writing an incredibly rambling review, I'd record one.

Whether this was a smart move on my part is anybody's guess, but here's the review link:

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD/LISTEN. You can listen by pressing "play", or you can download. It's 11MB, around 12.5 minutes long, and in MP3-format.

I say "um" a lot, but I also edited a ton of "ums" and "ers" out..

Yeh Rajneeti hai - dirty, dirty politics.

I finally got around to watching Prakash Jha's Rajneeti, quite an epic tale of one family's unhealthy relations and how the politics ruin them, twist them, and ally them with each other as well as against each other. I loved it, not only because it was a well-made story juggling an impressive amount of characters, all with their own shades of grey and questionable decisions, but also because it revealed quite painfully the kind of things you might end up doing for the desire of power - the dark side of politics you never see politicians talk about, even for all that talking they get to do.
I have to again confess I don't know an awful lot about Indian politics, but I was still surprised at the blatant lack of worry that the politicians seemed to have regarding the opinion of the people they were elected to represent. Perhaps this goes for almost any democracy - the power is so high up the people cannot reach it, even though this is precisely what a democratic system tries to prevent from happening. Instead, the politicians do not live in fear of the people - but of each other. And what a messy game that can be. This film lays bare all the backstabbing, scheming and just plain reaches to any power that can be had in a way that's brutal.
And it is so very interesting to watch.

SPOILERS FROM HEREON OUT

This being a film about politicians, it's easy to start listing those who I hated while watching. Ranbir's Samar is absolutely despicable and to top it all off, he tries to blame the circumstances for his behaviour. Certainly the circumstances contributed, but his blind devotion to following the political game to its absolute sickest conclusion, and how coldly he played this game, was indicative of not just the circumstances, but the man who chose to act as he did, in those circumstances. At first I thought the way he played Indu (Katrina) was cruel, but then the rap sheet began to fill up with more terrible offenses, one after another.

Then there is his brother Prithvi, played by the ever-capable Arjun Rampal (sending us all into conflicted emotions, so charming, yet so hopelessly evil in this!), whose first scene features him, what's that, oh yes, taking sexual advantage of a girl who wants to get into politics. Now, while she seems willing initially, the whole scene has a very uncomfortable vibe, to the point that when it's later framed as rape, I found it hard to disagree. What a charmer. He also goes to great lengths to secure power, and has a fuse about the length of a baby's finger.

Manoj Bajpai plays an absolute crook in the other brother Veerendra, naturally, and Ajay Devgn is only a teaspoon more honest than the rest of them, but in comparison appears saint-like. Which of course means he gets gunned down on a dirty street.

A thing that struck me about the film, besides how awful the characters were (and let me re-iterate that this didn't take away from my enjoyment of the film - the story absolutely captivated me), was how vague the actual politics were. What was the difference between the two parties, besides the faces of their leaders? What were their policies, their promises, their stances on major political issues? None of these were discussed, debated, even stated. Nope. Just waltz into town in local attire, greet the common folk respectfully and the poor will worship you as god? Or was this just unwillingness of the film maker to actually draw connections to any real issues that might upset viewers or even worse, the censors?

I kept waiting for Naseeruddin Shah's leftist character to make a comeback but alas, he never did. Probably better for it, actually - his character got a peaceful death, at the very least.

Biggest gripe? How out of place was that item number? Oh dear.

Other than that? Recommend, recommend, recommend.

Ooi maa! Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani.

When making my Filmi year 2009 post I knew I had missed out on Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani, a romantic comedy (with emphasis on comedy) by Rajkumar Santoshi. The man directed by favourite Hindi comedy of all time, Andaz Apna Apna (discussed here), and based on what I'd heard of APKGK, this new film was also in the same vein of loud, hilarious comedy, but with a definite emotional center, too.

I was not wrong, glad to say. The story of Prem (Ranbir Kapoor) who falls for Jenny (Katrina Kaif) and the friendship/love that develops between them is a wonderful, twisty ride that doesn't let up speed and builds to the goofiest, loveliest of finales.

For a comedy that relies on loud comedy which may come off as gimmicky or simplistic, I think Ajab Prem.. has a pretty fantastically considered script. The pace is not that of many a loud Hindi comedy (think Priyadarshan's half-assed Hindi ventures), fast one moment and completely stuck the other; it flows nicely throughout and it's punctuated with a super-catchy, wonderful soundtrack (Tu Jaane Na sung by Atif Aslam is my favourite track). Unlike AAA, it doesn't parody Hindi films as loudly, though there's the occasional self-referential quip, including some hilarious references to AAA itself.

This is the first time I've really loved Ranbir in a performance, which is not to say I've loathed him before, but like a lot of stars, I think it takes a while for one to "get" why others like him so much. And in this movie, I simply understood. Prem may be a simple character archetype; the nice guy who sacrifices and does anything and everything for love, but Ranbir makes Prem seem real somehow, even in the fantastic setting of Ajab. Katrina Kaif is also in good form, though her acting still has plenty of room for improvement.

The only flaw of Ajab is the fact that it won't work for everybody; just like AAA is too loud, too extreme to be funny to some people. But I think those who it will work for, it'll be a tremendous watch. The kind of Hindi film that should be a more common experience than it actually is; a film that makes you laugh and cry, and then laugh through the tears.

Superficial charms; hottest men and women of Indian films.

Inspired by an entry posted by Nicki, and by some thoughts that occurred to me during my umpteenth rewatch of Hum Tum last night, here are some stunningly good-looking people that grace our screens. Your mileage may vary, this is just a list according to my tastes.

Saif Ali Khan, here as not-a-good-man in Ek Hasina Thi, the film he looks best in and acts his best in, at least until we got Omkara.

Abhishek Bachchan, doing the guh-worthy eye-brow thing in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Mon amour, Ricki Thukral.

Vikram making clothes most reminiscient of tinfoil look good in Arul.

Vinod Khanna being his magnificient self in Sachaa Jhutha.

Surya looking smouldering alongside Laila in Nandhaa.
Random, slightly odd but stunning handsome pic of Akshay Kumar all the same.

R. Madhavan, dreamy as ever, in Guru.

And now onto the ladies..


Hema Malini then.

Hema Malini now.

North-Indian girl in South-Indian movies; Jyothika.

Not the best of actresses (not even close), but I can't resist her smile. Katrina Kaif from Singh is Kinng here.

The wonderful Kajol.

Always a darling, Juhi Chawla in Hum Hai Rahi Pyaar Ke.

Regal Zeenat Aman in Dharam-Veer.

Smile of the century: Rani Mukherjee in Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic.

Doll-esque pose of Preity Zinta in a recent magazine.

Classic beauty: Madhubala in Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi.

Was that more gals than guys? I guess it just goes to show - Indian women are gorgeous! Indian men, well, only nearly as..

My weekend with Akshay. Singh is Kinng & Bhool Bhulaiyaa.

It seems that the more I see of Akshay Kumar, the more I like him. When I came down with a slight fever and throat ache this weekend, I surrendered myself to the Awesome of the Khiladi while bed-bound and resting, and (partly due to my condition, I'm sure) the Khiladi did not disappoint.

Of course, a part of why I've begun to really appreciate Akshay is because it seems that the more popular he gets, the more his roles suit him as an actor. When sitting down with my (pirated, oh the shame!) copy of Singh Is Kinng, I had some reservations, though. Being respectful of minorities has never been Hindi films' greatest strength, and on top of that, haven't we seen enough films showcasing Punjabi pride by now?

Instead of Punjab glorification, the film turned out to be Vipul Shah's spin on Munnabhai-like philosophies. Akshay plays Happy Singh, a well-meaning but clumsy villager whose fellow men trick him to get him to leave the village - Happy has to travel to Australia to retrieve Lucky Singh (Sonu Sood) back to the village to meet his (supposedly) ill father. Lucky, however, has become the king to a happy bunch of goofy sardar mobsters in Australia and after some plot turns, Happy finds himself leading the gang himself - but with his own, unusual methods..

It's a given that these sort of films will include some of the vapidest stuff you'll ever see in your life, but the movie never seemed painfully idiotic on the whole. The film only really fails when you can see Aneez Bazmee, the director, going for the emotional, touching moments but doing it so heavy-handedly that it fails to move the viewer. Happy bringing out the good in criminals is somewhat heart-warming, though, and Akshay pulls the character off with sincerity so despite the missteps, the story of the film works as a whole.

As for other performances, most of them are very much two-note comic characters (fun enough to make you chuckle). Neha Dhupia stood out for me as the witty, gun-touting, filmi-crazed gangstress - I hope she gets more nice roles like this one. Katrina Kaif is very pretty, but still not a good actress. I can't put my finger on why her jodi with Akshay works nonetheless - it's either that they look good together (superficiality never goes out of style!) or that because they've done so many films together, she's learning to match him.

The soundtrack isn't very good, but being annoyingly Pritam, it's very catchy all the same. In other words, I've had "Tere or" stuck in my head all day, and that's only because I knew not to listen through that damn Snoop Dogg song (please let it be noted here that I am usually all for Hiphop Meets Bollywood type of musical expeditions - this time the song is awful, the video is awful, and everything about it is just not working).

Then I saw Bhool Bhulaiyaa. I usually do like to check out Southie originals to Bollywood remakes but this time, I hadn't had the chance to. I had seen some bits from Chandramukhi, the Tamil version. Thanks to this, I knew some details about the plot, but a testament to either my short memory or the movie's good narration, I didn't really think about those things until they revealed themselves in the film.

A young descendent of a royal family Siddharth (Shiney Ahuja) decides to live in the deserted mansion after his marriage to Avni (Vidya Balan). His family agrees to renovate the place, but the third floor remains locked up - it's believed to be haunted. Avni is curious about the rooms behind the locked doors, and Siddharth agrees to let her open them. Shortly afterwards, bad things begin to happen and Radha (Amisha Patel), Siddharth's childhood friend, is suspected of being possessed by a ghost. Two experts are called to aid - one Hindu priest, and one psychiatrist (Akshay Kumar).

Even without seeing the original films, I feel like I can safely assume Priyadarshan's direction squeezes only half of the potential the story has. And even that little makes for quite an entertaining film. Vidya Balan does a great job, and Akshay is in good form as the odd but clever psychiatrist Aditya (though the science in the film might be more than a bit fuzzy, but then, who's minding when Akshay gets to have lines like "I want to go beyond the limits of conventional psychology"?).

Some of the comedy interludes weren't integrated all that well but fun all the same, and while the soundtrack mostly relies on That One Song, it's overall on the harmless side (except for the catchy-as-hell "Hare ram, hare ram, hare krishna, hare ram" chant you hear on one of the tracks).

Actually, watching these two films nearly back-to-back, it almost felt like watching a TV show. Everybody Loves Akshay?

Snark mode on, review in 3.. 2.. 1 - Race!

People of the Hindi film following world! You can all rest easy now. Stop holding your breath in, just exhale slowly, and breath free once again. The future is secured.

I ought to specify. The future of the long-standing tradition of bad movies made in the beautiful language of Hindi/Urdu is secured. That's right. All is once again right in the universe. Dumb dance routines, insultingly bad lyrics, awkward try-hard plots and characters you forget as soon as you leave the theater – Race has got it all.

The film works on the premise that if you have something that isn't anywhere near as good as anybody involved in the making of it hoped for, you can flip it around in hopes that the audience will find the constant plot twists exciting instead of predictable and (by the time we get into the last third of the movie) just plain boring. I've got news to the makers; whichever way you decide to flip a turd, it sadly still looks brown.

Race isn't really that bad. And that's another tragedy right there – it doesn't get the crown of being the worst film ever, nor does it gain the honor of a fun “so-bad-it's-good” trainwreck. It's just unexcitably sucky. Not that they don't try. There's enough Bipasha skin to call it Dhoom 2 and enough Saif skin to call it Fangirl Hook Collection 2008. The songs go from bad (South-African white cowgirls shaking ass along with some of the cringeworthiest moves I've witnessed in a while) to worse (Zara Zara Let's Keep a Safe Distance, Okay Katrina and that other song with Saif cleaning his face against Bipasha's chest – ugh). This is one of the few times even I denounce English lyrics in songs. And the theme song? Annoying as heck.

About individual performances, well, did it have any? Akshaye, as much as I champion him, had the most unlikable character here and Saif was not too sympathetic himself. The ladies weren't worth much. Quite frankly all of the leading four were just so forgettable, which leads me to..

I cannot believe I'd prefer a whole three hour movie about Anil Kapoor's character to rewatching Race, but hey, there you go. This was seriously the best part of the movie.

A special mention to the dialogue writer who came up with Saif's infamous “I celebrate losses” (You should, yaar, because this one? Not a winner! Also? 1993-2000..) as well as this one, which I shall leave as my parting wisdom, as voiced by Akshaye Khanna: “All a man needs in a weather like this is a cold beer and a hot chick!”

Namastey London - phir bhi dil hai NRI

There are a lot of reasons why Indians take their stories abroad, though as I understand it the biggest one nowadays is budget – it's just easier for a big megastar to shoot in London or Sydney, where you don't need the crowd control you'd need in basically anywhere in India. They can wrap up projects faster, release them faster, and I guess the audiences also like to see the handsome foreign locales. You don't see many complaining, and NRI films are like any Indian films – hit or miss, there are good examples and bad examples. (This I took away from an interview with the certified Dude of Indian film, Akshay Kumar, about a year ago on IBN-live.)

Namastey London, a story about a completely British born, British thinking desi girl (Katrina Kaif) and a true-and-blue Punjabi boy (Akshay Kumar), is half-and-half – an annoying example of those Indian films who start out lovely but change tone slightly after interval. However, NL is far from being the worst example of this phenomenon, and for that, it deserves to be remembered as a good example of NRI films. Katrina's Jazz, or Jasmeet, is quite a refreshing NRI girl - she's openly Westernized, but this is not exceedingly frowned upon. Even her Indian bridegroom accepts this, and falls in love with her for exactly as she is. The whole NRI phenomenon is portrayed in a way I'd even dare call realistic. One stand-out scene for me was near the beginning, where Jasmeet's parents have an argument that reveal their own past; how the mother was brought to London from India, and how she was so Indian that her husband was embarrassed of her behaviour in public - hence she brought up their daughter to be more British, so she could go out more than her mother did.

That change of tone, though? Well, in typical Indian film fashion there has to be a villain and the villain in this case - the angrezi, the gora. Jasmeet's gora boyfriend is implied a bad, bad person from the get-go, and the rest of the gora cast is not much different (apart from Upen Patel's girlfriend who doesn't have any ridiculous demands or doesn't make any racist remarks, gladly). Of course, the Indians set the silly white people straight left and right, and the posh Brits look quite foolish in their castles and whatnots, which serves this bunch right, but naturally as a non-Indian I can't help but get annoyed at this portrayal. Yes, the West does have ridiculous prejudice regarding Indians, their culture and their religion (you know, Muslim=terrorist, that whole meme) but we're not all like that and the way the whole thing is presented, well, it grates me.

Thankfully not enough to distract me from the fantastic romantic developments of the second half, but there was another painful distraction to the movie - Himesh Reshmiyya soundtrack. Where he sings, naturally, in nearly every bloody song. I nearly tore my hair out. A couple of cutesy song picturizations, but good god I never want to hear this man's voice again.

But all in all - lovely film which I don't regret watching at all. And by the way, to prove Akki really is what I said he is, The Dude of Bollywood, check out this news article. Khan kaun, this is the guy who brings Indians to theaters. I'm more than happy for him for that achievement (and I'll be seeing Bhool Bhulaiyaa eventually, but Dude or no Dude, Heyy Baby is a miss for me).