Closing Khanna-o-Rama with a picspam.

My favourite picture of Akshaye.

I'm going to employ virtual CPR on you because I know you just DIED.AT.THIS.CUTENESS. And why wouldn't you.

All Bollywood magazines should remake this photo shoot. Bollywood stars - EATING. I'd buy the magazine. Twice.

No idea what is happening here but I dig it. I dig it a lot.

Film poster of Gulzar's Meera (review here) which is my most favourite movies with Vinod. And gorgeous Hema, what's not to love.

Thanks for participating in Khanna Week, even if it was just by reading all of our posts! And eternal thanks to Beth for coming up with the idea of the love fest!

EEEDIT: Well, turns out Khanna Week isn't over in a week! Joy of joys! Except .. I have no more posts scheduled up. I might spin some more, I'll definitely keep following all of yours but this may or may not be the end of Khanna-o-Rama for me, for now, anyway. Still, the Khanna love never really stops on these here parts!

Three elephants in the room.

Hate to jam this post in but I feel like it has to be made; call me the Official Khanna Week Squee-stopper, if you must, but I assure you, happy posts will commence tomorrow once more - for now, let's deal with the things we might talk about but don't particularly enjoy talking about head-on.

I mean, they are in a sense the reason this Khanna fest had to be initiated - why are Khannas so unloved (or underloved or not adequately loved) by the great Bollywood worldwide consciousness (wow, does that sound spiritual? we could just call 'em fans).

Akshaye Khanna - I am not sure where I've read about this perception that Akshoo picks his roles carefully and is particularly choosy about which films he does. But I have read it and going by how little movies he makes, I could swallow it, too. But then I look at his filmography and just .. what the hell. I understand getting stuck in a rut, doing crappy film after crappy films because that's all you're offered but can that really be true for somebody who has shown considerable acting potential and is widely considered a solid actor despite, you know, all those countless bad films I choose not to name right now. I confess I know very little about the inside workings of the industry so maybe I'm missing a lot of key factors that play into this but sometimes I fear that the dude doesn't really care and kind of wants to cash in.

Rahul Khanna - Now here's a guy whose perceived pickiness with roles I could actually see as justified, as his filmography doesn't really have that many bad films. But it's so tiny! Isn't everybody on Twitter now? Doesn't everybody just want to cast him? (I do, but the only job I have available is cleaning my room. I doubt Rahul gets out of bed for the money I'm willing to offer him...)

Vinod Khanna - One word: Osho. (For the uninitiated, or the newbies, here's a little lesson in history - at the height of his career, in the early 80's Vinod Khanna joined his guru and withdrew from regular human life into a spiritual commune in North-East US of A. He returned to the industry in the late 80's.)

I spotted somebody commenting on a youtube video of some Vinod Khanna song that "he realized the futility of human existence" or something like that, and this made me realize how much a culture colours our perceptions of one man following his guru and withdraw from his regular job AND family life. I mean, Finns don't tend to withdraw from anywhere as hundreds of years of Lutheran work ethic kind of ties us to the home and work life so much so that the idea of "getting away from it all", in a spiritual way, not just for a holiday, is completely alien. (Not saying this is better - just how it is.)

But to somebody of India, it's not necessarily so. Now, I don't personally withdraw my own judgment completely because of this. I could, but it feels pretentious - I still have the opinion that from the point of view of a fan, who loves his 70's/early 80's films and isn't enamored with him returning to Bollywood when the films lacked inspiration and interest, and he was getting too old to be a hero anyway. And if somebody I knew left their family to pursue greater spiritual understanding, I'd consider them selfish. But I keep in mind - different context, different culture, different perceptions.

So I maintain my views as a fan. I think the man made simultanously the worst and the best decision he could've made. Leaving Bollywood in the early 80's? Abandoning a slowly sinking ship, good call. Returning to the industry in the late 80's? Sigh. No. Just no.

So there. Elephants sorted. Would be curious to hear your views on these topics. And sorry for squee-killing, just gotta be honest with myself & my readership here. I still love all three of these actors - trust me on that one.

[Elephant screencaps from the Tamil film Dhool.]

Redefining villain with baby bunnies. Akshaye in Aaja Naachle.

So.

Aaja Naachle only really begins 27 minutes into the movie, when Diya (Madhuri Dixit) goes visit a local politician Uday (usually referred to by his title Raja) about the local theater Ajanta, which he plans to tear down and turn into a mall. Raja offers her pizza he made himself. He likes pizza. She brings up the plans to tear down Ajanta. She asks him not to. He says he will despite.

But not before he offers her pizza.

You evil son of a bitch.

Eventually they make a pact - if she can revive the village's theater life with local talent, the mall deal is off.

Look at this heartless, animal of a man. All that pizza-making and flirtation only covers up his true nature, that of a villain who makes heroines dance on broken glass and shoots henchmen for the heck of it.

Except .. no, wait. Akshaye Khanna's villainous Raja is the fluffiest, cutest villain you will ever meet. Put him next to a sharpei puppy and you'd still be going, "That sharpei puppy is up to no good."

Villain's Log, Day 47: "I made pizza and a cute lady talked to me. Yay!"

And then he watches her perform and likes it and just grins to himself like he's just crushing on her hardcore (which he obviously is, in his own cutesy smug manner). These is not even a pinch of ruthlessness in this man's body.

And then he's just super-cute with the daughter. Is this supposed to be menacing? "I'm the bad guy", followed by a smug but adorable smile. What are we to think?

Oh the venomous exchange of words! Except he naturally takes it as an opportunity to flirt and make puppy eyes at her whilst pretending to actually have some debate about the Ajanta issue. Diya takes it more seriously, providing more fuel to the fire of dramatic tension because, well, somebody has to!

She delivers a healthy dose of "oh snap!" and he's all, "Hee, I like this lady."

This pattern repeats itself.

"Oh, what am I doing here? I just bought these new Ray-Ban's and wanted to show off them and my awesome swagger. Did you know they gave me an ominous background score for these scenes?"

"I am so evil! And adorable. And hot. Do you like ice cream? I like ice cream."

"But not as much as I like kittens fighting. Or you. Whoops, what am I saying? Oh that's right, I'm the bad guy. Grr. Evil things! Fire and brimstone, murky polluted rain ..and then rainbows! Pots of gold! ..Dammit."

"You're a better villain than me, Irfan. That's why I like playing golf with you. Do you like pizza?"

"Oh, you want to sabotage the play due to business profits? Well, that's not cool. Don't you know fairies die whenever you stop believing in the goodness of mankind? Think about it for a minute."

Villain's Log, Day 82: "Got awesome seats at the theater today because I'm an MP. Yay!"

"PS. Really enjoyed the play. 5/5!"

Sadly Diya is leaving to return to the US. Our heroine won! What does our villain do? Curse and retreat back to his lair, possibly kidnapping her daughter as he does so? Not at all. Instead he's like, "Oh, what a shame. Well, I'll give you a call sometime."

And then we have our Starbucks ending. Who knows what the future will bring.. But what we do know is that our terrible villain has left behind the days of evil schemes and all that.

What a relief!

And some bonus cute Khanna!face for you --

Serious Business.

File this one in the dictionary, as definition for awesome!face.

"God willing I'll make more guest appearances this worth watching."

...If only , Akshaye, if only.

Aaja Naachle - fluff at its most glorious.

In my understanding Aaja Naachle (2007) did not do great in the box office. People found the story cliché and shoddy in execution. Just as well. While it doesn't bring much to the table in terms of substance, I can't begrudge the movie, it just delivers entertainment of the glossy, vibrant and fluffy variety.

The fact is, the film only really begins around 30 minutes in. The preamble of Diya (Madhuri Dixit) dancing at a New York studio, moving like it's Dil To Pagal Hai, then finding out her guru is dead, then the backstory of her meeting an American guy (clearly from the male model school of non-acting) and moving to his country to the shame of her family.. All of this is pretty much boring and clichéd to the absolute max. Diya's kid is annoying and she clearly hasn't taught two things about her past to her own child (wtf?!) and the fact her divorce to Mr Americano was almost as soon as her plane landed in the US is bizarrely simplistic (apart from you know, white guy, foreigner, bad, bad, grr!).

Enter this guy, who is the villain in the loosest possible meaning of the word. And I assure you, this isn't just my blatant Akshaye fangirlism speaking, because the fact is, without dramatic tension there is no movie, and his character is the one who brings some to this incredibly fluffy piece. He wants to tear down the unused theater and Diya isn't keen of the fact, and so they make a deal - if she can put on a show full of locals to revive the culture scene of her village, he won't tear down the amphitheater. (More about this guy during Khanna Week in May - for now this paragraph will suffice.)

And here's where Aaja Naachle finally kickstarts, as Diya begins seeking out local talent, which is why we get a cavalcade of awesome side characters, all with their fluffy little existences, coming together for some musical magic.

Ranvir Shorey is Diya's left-behind former fiancee, still tragically in love with her.

Vinay Pathak as a civil servant wanting to impress his theater-loving wife.

Divya Dutta as Diya's former best friend and Irffan Khan as her businessminded husband (and "villain" number two).

Konkona Sen Sharma as the adorable tomboy fiercely crushing Kunal Kapoor's boy-next-door/goonda (but goonda only in the fluffiest manner).

And it's really just so entertaining and fluffy and glossy and fun, that the flaws of the beginning mysteriously begin to melt away.

What with all the colours and the fun and the dancing..

Oh the glorious dancing!

Could they have made a better movie out of this? Sure. There's a lot of untapped potential here for substance, perhaps kind of sadly so. The way Akshaye's character questions Diya's status as a current NRI coming to "save" a bit of India and damaging what he sees as progress while doing it is countered by her questioning his own foreign education (she was educated in India) being used to also "fix" India as he sees fit. But this angle of the story isn't explored beyond the initial touch.

The way Konkona's tomboy transforms into a beautiful young woman could've emphasized how changing how she dresses doesn't change who she is, and who he, in the end, is falling in love with.

But you know, minor quips. Focus on the fun, and there's plenty of it here.

Fun times, gorgeous Madhuri.

It's like, why bother hating?

You want colour, fun and warm fuzzies? Watch Aaja Naachle. You want something heavy and thought-provoking? Read a book.

Just telling it like it is..

Indian Film Advent Calendar #24: The one script to ..be completely disgarded.

Writing a plot outline to a successful Hindi film - how hard can it be? Armed with only some pictures and an imagination largely unused for the better part of this decade, I set to task.

This is going to be largely nonsensical, probably terrible and any resemblances to existing Hindi films are intentional and nonconsequential because nobody's going to make this, right? Right?! (All producers reading, if you're crazy enough to give me money - it is the season of giving in my part of the world! - the email is culling.songs@gmailDOTcom.)

The film is simply called - Paramparaparamparamparamparapa... bas! (short international title: P..b! or Pb or What, Are You Kidding Me? or Nobody Is Going to Ever Make/Watch This Movie). Our story takes place in an alternative historical universe, where India exists in a peculiar timewarp between our current world and ancient Mesopotamia. Only not really. Think Dharam-Veer, only less sensical, because historical accuracy has never been my strong point. But to make this wildly unique, the universe is entirely of its own. Anything can happen ..and does!

Aamir Khan plays Ram, a humble prince of The Royal Kingdom of Neo-India (the old one was run into the ground by an emperor played by Uday Chopra - there was a flashback scene of this but we cut it out ..instantly), who just want to drink Coke and find the love of his life. Little does he know that he is actually second-in-line to the throne, and separated at birth from his identical twin (yes! wait, what?)..

..Raju, played by Akshay Kumar. As you can see, Raju works as a humble mechanic nowadays, constantly covered in oil but not always wearing shirts. But for the sake of the censors and the health and safety of the audience, he does always keep his jeans buttoned up. Promise!


Raju was kidnapped as a baby by an evil witch Roberta (played by black-and-white-Helen, because with modern technology we can do that sort of stuff). After the witch passed away, her clumsy, evil son Robert (played by Akshaye Khanna) left Raju to live with a childless mechanic Girilal (played by ..uhh we'll figure it out later - he'll probably die a tragic death early on in order for Raju to feel a sense of loss and make sure he stands up to the evil that is the Kingdom).

But little does he know that Robert is still around! Doing ..something evil! Look at that evil grin! So evil!


So Raju loses his guardian and after wiping some of the excess motor oil - but not all, are you crazy? - he goes to the King (which are mostly just images of Prithviraj Kapoor from Mughal-e-Azam because we gotta save money somewhere!) and demands justice. Because, you know, if it weren't for the awful kingdom and their taxes and something something, his guardian Girilal would be still alive today! There he meets Ram, and the two brothers clash over the issue of oil costs. Stern political debate follows. Statistics are brought up. We'll probably cut that bit out.

To solve the issue, Ram has to go visit Raju's workshop and there he runs into..

Sita, Girilal's daughter whose mother passed away years ago. She has separated herself from the world of motor oil and instead writes poetry, helps sick children and models on occasion. You know, the usual. Ram naturally falls in love with her but disguises the fact by pretending to be a university friend of Raju's. Sita questions this because Raju never went to university. Ram explains this is the university of mechanics design and time travel. He demonstrates this by singins a song where they are transported to 1990's Switzerland. Sita is impressed and falls in love with him.

Meanwhile Robert plots something evil to overthrow the King and kill Ram. His initial plan of turning the 90's Switzerland in which Ram and Sita (hey, that sounds familiar -- maybe I'm just imagining things) have travelled to into a molten lava pit, but his actions are thwarted by ...

Satyajit, a magical angel (played by Shahrukh Khan), who has protected the twins (yes, really!) Ram and Raju and has since their birth. He was, however, at a wedding when the evil witch Roberta kidnapped Raju, but can you blame him? Who wants to miss out on a wedding? Free food, good music!

Raju, after having cleaned up most of the motor oil off and wearing a shirt, meanwhile is researching the price of oil at the National Library of The Royal Kingdom of Neo-India's Capital City Archives, where he runs into...


..a university student named Nisha (portrayed by Katrina Kaif). They debate the cost of motor oil and whether one is allowed to dog-ear library book pages. Nisha thinks it's perfectly acceptable, while Raju thinks it's sabotaging otherwise good books. They part ways in anger but can't get the arguments out of their minds.

And they probably fall in love, too. There's a song.

At the palace, the little sister of our heroes, Princess Ratnapriya (played by Raima Sen), has a problem of being courted by our terrible villain Robert and as if that's not enough, he has cast her under a spell to manipulate Ram into killing Raju. Ram, after falling in love with Raju's beautiful sister, however doesn't want to kill the man, as he is now forced to pretend their friends, which they are not. Comedy ensues. (Possibly. It might actually not be funny at all. If all fails, we'll do another time-travel scene.)

Satyajit the Angel - or as the audience calls him, Shahrukh - is observing the situation and making popcorn. There is a song sequence where he romances The Devil (played by Kajol), because we've got to draw people into theaters somehow, and borrowing a page from Karan Johar never killed anybody (if it has, please contact me immediately).

As luck should have it, and because if you think you're tired of reading this, I am far too tired of typing it, the Chancellor Daman (Boman Irani) who is like an advisor type person to the King finds a hankerchief that belongs to the evil witch Roberta at Raju's shop while visiting it to get a repair job on his scooter. This proves to Daman that Raju is indeed Rajeev, the missing prince who inexpicably ended up with a similar name under the guard of his former father-figure Girilal. He rushes to let Ram know of this discovery, but his attempt is thwarted by the evil Robert who challenges Daman into a game of internet karom, his only weakness.

Then Robert realizes he could've used magic and so he does, making Daman fall asleep against his keyboard.

Upon seeing this, Satyajit decides it's time to swing into angelic action, but he finds his hands tied - his powers are limited and he cannot tell the brothers that they are indeed brothers as him speaking would blow up their puny human minds. So he does what any good employee does - call his boss to ask how to deal with the situation.

So the Creator Of All Things, Yes, All Things (Rani Mukherjee) decides to some stuff needs to go down and fast.

And she employs all of her powers and sends her God Squad to help out Satyajit.

There's Goddess of Beauty (Deepika Padukone)...

..God of Gambling (Abhishek Bachchan)...

Goddess of Grace (Sharmila Tagore)

God of Non-chalance (Saif Ali Khan) and finally..

..Goddess of Dance (Hema Malini). You know, all the important ones. Obviously.

The God Squad is set to help Satyajit prevent the marriage between Princess Ratnapriya and Robert, which would allow him to directly get the throne after poisoning Ram and Raju at the wedding banquet (this is so why I never eat at weddings). During all this, Daman has woken up and is rushing to the palace to deliver the hankerchief that proofs the connection between Ram and Raju. But as the wedding festivities begin, Robert has one more ace up his sleeve not even the God of Gambling could've detected...

..as Robert has the power of black magic to summon Death Himself (Vinod Khanna), pictured here with his missus, the lovely Lady Deceit (Neetu Singh), to aid him in his wicked deeds.

As Death Himself and the God Squad do battle on the metaphysical realm (which looks a lot like the glorious fields of Punjab), Raju comes to terms with the fact that Ram is in love with his (sort of-)sister Sita, and the price of motor oil is still rising. However, after developing a deep affection for books, he has now decided to quit his mechanic business and go to university to get closer to Nisha.

Little does anybody know that Nisha too is of royal descent, and secretly the princess of 1990's Switzerland, who has decided to study in Neo-India in order to avoid being recognized.

Wedding festivities continue (there's a song or twelve - hey, it worked for HAHK!) and Daman finally reaches the palace with the hankerchief that proves the brothers to be brothers. The truth comes out just as Satyajit reveals the wedding banquet to be poisoned and Robert's mother to be the evil kidnapper of Raju. Robert breaks down, claiming he did all his evil actions because of love for his mother, who has now passed away. He releases Ratnapriya from his spell, but it turns out Satyajit had already done that, and Ratnapriya was truly in love with Robert, secretly hoping her love would redeem him and his evil past.

Robert begs the princes to allow him to make amends with himself and being as magnanimous as Ram and Raju are, both being so humble and noble human beings, they agree to this - but they banish Robert from the Kingdom and insist that he transport himself to 1970's Hindi film industry, which they've heard is a pretty cool place. Ratnapriya decides to go with him, because she's a huge fan of Amitabh Bachchan.

Death Himself leaves the scene unnoticed and instead of a wedding between Robert and Ratnapriya, the festivities continue celebrating the reunion of the brothers and their love for the young women they met during these amazing (well, sort of) adventures they had and of course, the lowering price of motor oil.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Especially Satyajit, who took permanent residence in 90's Switzerland, and met a pretty cool girl on Eurorail...

THE END.


This is the final Indian Film Advent Calendar post as it's now Christmas Eve. Happy Holidays to those who celebrate something during this time of year, have a great end of '09 for those who do not. Thanks for reading and not getting bored with these posts. It's been fun writing them!