A month in India, part 4: Dhoom 3 on Dhoom Day, Kolkata.

If Indian film promotion is a hurricane, then the first 10 days of our time in India were spent in the eye of the storm known as Dhoom 3. This was not a thing you could avoid, from Kolkata's metro platforms to the road crossing near our hotel, where a bowler hat-wearing Aamir Khan gazed over us. Promos on TV, posters on walls, advertisements on our morning papers - we saw it all.

And yet, we didn't mind one bit. This was the craze we'd signed up for - this was the movie that would be descending on India, and we knew precisely what we were in for. We smiled at every piece of gross, over-exposed piece of promotion we ran into, I worried over one restaurant supper whether we'd make it in time to catch Aamir's Koffee with Karan episode in the hotel room (which I got to watch and it was a blast). There probably should've been a moment where one went, "Okay, enough with this Dhoom 3 already!" and yet there kind of never was? We ate it up, eagerly.

In an ironic twist, perhaps, we watched the megalomaniac Bollywood big budget blockbuster in the city of art cinema, Kolkata, at a southern Kolkata multiplex called London Paris ("Just like home, eh?" I asked my Londoner friend). The tickets were the most expensive movie tickets we'd ever bought in India, 350 rupees each, but the seats reclined nicely, the atmosphere was excellent, and this was the opening Friday night, so one could expect to pay a premium (and compared to Finnish movie ticket prices, this was peanuts).

So what about the actual film itself? The glorious sequel to the maddest madcap action film series the world has ever seen? (And yes, the Fast and the Furious films are quite madcap as well, but they never had Vin Diesel dressing up as the Queen of England, so I think Dhoom still wins over its original inspiration.) Well, this was, in many ways, a very loyal sequel to the previous two. The villain still gets center stage, and any badassery and action sequences that Jai and Ali (Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra, respectively) receive is almost like a pity hand-out, because it's not quite a Dhoom movie without them, and yet you get the sense that both of the sequels have kind of wished they could let these two characters go already. The women are still ludicrously under-written or just plain ludicrous, and mostly there to show off some skin, and dance in some songs. The action is reaching new heights, or new laws of physics.

And yet Dhoom 3 is different. It contains an emotional heart that doesn't quite sit with everything that's been wrapped around it - the formula, that is. It has a central performance that simultaneously makes you gasp in awe and then squirm in discomfort. It was a love story that is criminally (pun intended) underwritten and yet quite sweet. It falls somewhat short on the chemistry between Jai and the villain, which was largely the tentpole that held up the previous two films, but it's still good - replacing this is a chemistry between, well, two other leads.

The soundtrack is a winner from top to bottom, at least in my books. The tap dance spin on the Dhoom Machale number seems gimmicky but sounds and looks legitimately awesome, the circus picturization of Malang is just stunning, and Tu Hi Junoon is a winner all the way. Of course, my love for these songs is peppered by the nostalgia of hearing them during the trip, seeing all of those promos pop up here and there, plus the fact that these are absolutely amazing picturizations to be watched on the big screen.

Dhoom films will always defy logic and be considered as bad by some as they are considered amazing by others. As much as I try to rate these films in a sphere of their own, not to be compared or contrasted against any other films but each other, I can't help but feel that what I told my friend, walking to a Bengali restaurant after the movie, is very true: "This was the most amazing bad movie I have ever seen. Loved it. Will hear nothing bad against it." And yet something bad is precisely what I'm about to voice about it.

Even in the conventional masala madcap forgiveness, one has to forgive Dhoom 3 for a lot of things. Its attempts at being so so cool undercut its desire to be a legitimately good movie with an emotional core. The way it ignores Katrina Kaif's character for most of the movie, barely giving her any lines, barely ever giving her an actual characterisation, only hampers the story as a whole. While Ali's Mumbaiyya lines brought some people in the audience to tears with laughter, many others in the audience, including myself, remained stoic and didn't bite. As slick as it is, as wild as it is, as good (and as bad) as Aamir Khan's performance is, the fact remains it just isn't as good as it could be.

And yet, it's absolutely fantastic, without a doubt my favourite of the film series, and the sole Dhoom film I'll be glad to own on DVD. You should probably see it, for many a reason, and expect nothing, and expect everything, and know that when back in the day some of us theorised about what kind of a Dhoom film they'd have to make to convince Aamir Khan to join it, we didn't quite know it would be this epic a result.

Latest from a smart, funny individual!

...I'm just kidding, this is really another one in what is becoming a series on the depraved mind of Uday Chopra. No picture for this post because if the option is posting a picture of Uday Chopra or not posting a picture at all, I'm going for the latter.

So what is Uday up to in his corner of the Twitterverse? Well, either he is being superbly clever and witty and radically new, or then he is in some serious need of professional, psychological help. You decide. Look, I'll just come out and say it: HE'S INVENTED A SECOND PERSONALITY FOR HIMSELF.

You read that right. He's striving to be schizophrenic. This over-privileged s.o.b, I swear to Pran my head is about to explode.

Okay, I must admit in all seriousness I am not sure if he's doing that. But he is posting quotes by himself under an anagram of his own name - Daya Prochu. That's sane, right? I mean, we all do that, right? ....yeah.

Not only is Daya Prochu a representation of Uday himself, he is Uday's dark side.

"Virtues separate us...its our vices that bring us together...one more reason to be bad!" - Daya Prochu

"Hope and Faith are always there for those who want them...for the rest, there's Vodka" - Daya Prochu

"I'm just your regular, average, everyday Devil Worshiper" - Daya Prochu

...this is actually, genuinely rather frightening. Who does this? Why would anybody do this, in all seriousness? And yes, of course it could well be a joke but ...it's not funny in the least. It's lame, not to mention completely freaky.

"The only time it's ok to show someone you care, is when you don't really" - Daya Prochu

Really freaky.

Of course, then there's the typical tweets where he speaks binary (uhh..) and rambles at length about God shared a secret with him which allowed him to give up on Hope and I'm not even going to pretend to understand.

Still, he is thinking about quitting acting, a decision that actually makes me sympathetic towards him.

But Daya Prochu? I mean, what the ---

Uday, I think I'm done with taking the occasional dive into your Twitter and emerging slimy but victorious by the power of snark because I do genuinely think you might need to talk to somebody. That somebody isn't the internet. Adieu.

Twitterati, twitterwasis, twitdoesntmatter...

I don't consider myself any authority on anything but if I may make some bold claims about Bollywood twitterati, I'll say this:

All hail R_Khanna.

"Back-to-back evenings full of glamour, dancing, sex, violence & raw, pulsing drama. Who needs Bollywood when it's wedding season in India?"
Weddings in India are masala films that also contain sex? If so, can I go to the ones Rahul Khanna attends? Please?

No wonder I rarely see this guy in mainstream films. He's way too busy. Way too busy being awesome.

He's so normal and flawed like the rest of us, but not in a cringe-inducing way!

"Walk briskly past Duty Free, Rahul. Do not make eye-contact with the Chunky Kit-Kat display. I repeat, do NOT make... Arrgh - too late!"
Kit-Kat addiction! Could this man be more adorable? I doubt it.

"Perhaps I can use my recovery time to write books under the nom de plume Ian Phlegming. Should I start with A View to a Chill or Coldfinger?"
Let's marry. Or at the very least, Twittermarry. Matwimony?

But as always, in Twitterverse, with the good comes the bad.

It is with a heavy heart that I return to my mortal twenemy, Uday Chopra.

"I can see the future...and i can see that tomorrow...I will wake up with a smile...good night my lovely twitteronians...a new word for y'all"
We didn't ask for a new word. Don't you remember what I told you about mid-chlorians? Why don't you just call us people? We're people, like you! Only better at tweeting. And acting.

"Ive discovered a truth about myself tday..I cant type with my eyes closed..ufrrk juhr u tu erute dubvet guvfso..guess its best 2 say gdnight"
I could've told you as much. And I'm typing this with my eyes closed, too.


And now we also have a new kid on the block, who doesn't ask "main aisa kyun hoon?" but instead makes us question everything we know. Like the meaning of life (inspirational poster by Ajnabi). And such. And ...time for the gym!

iHrithik, comes free with most Macbooks.

"Goodnite my beautiful tweeple,I'm humbled by ur love! GOd bless you ALL! N thank u from d bottom of my heart!may tom b beeautiful 4 u n me!!"
Everythings just real speciall!! In his world!!! Overusing exclamation marks!!! Is a sure-fire way to show you're new on the internet!!!

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE ?....... Whatever U WANT it TO BE !!! ;) goodnite tweeple! Good luck 4 Exams, work, and evrything else!!!"
Truly inspirational stuff.

But of course, even a great man such as the mythical iHrithik has to run into some questionable, fail-type waters. Such as not realizing that even if a Pakistani kid is being called "paki" and bullied, it doesn't really do much to stand up and be "proud" of your Pakistani heritage. I mean, in the UK it's a racial slur, not an insult against being Pakistani.

Anyway...

"My fav supplements- vit C, multivitamin, antioxident, L-glutamine, omega 3(never 6), creatine(only to bulk 4 short periods),.."
Write what you know, Hrithik. Write what you know.

Oh oh oh remember that Shahrukh guy who twitterized poetry last time I covered his tweets? Well, he's still tweeting, apparently. I guess he has a new movie out and he's trying to promote it. Sweet kid, I hope some people go see it.

"love u all my knightwriters. celebrating dark...silence...quiet...dreams...and shutting down of the day. will reopen tomorrow...goodknight."
What the what now? Dude, you gotta stop rewatching The Dark Knight. You are not Batman. I mean if Mumbai needed a dark knight, you have enough moolah to go all Bruce Wayne on it but you're not Batman. Or are you? Is this your way of telling us..?

"batman/trackpants/dont like visits...i am homebody/dont like to swim but have to for my shoulder/sundays at home/want to do a comedy now"
...Holy item number, Batman, it's ...Bombay ka Batman!!!

And with this revelation, I shall go away. But Bollycelebrities on Twitter, remember, I am watching you. I may not be following you because I like to keep my brain clean, but I am watching you.

PS. Rahul, '@' me anytime! I promise you I'm not the weird foreign chick who pervs on most males in your family. No, no. That's Beth, you see. I'm totally regular and well-adjusted.

PPS. Beth, sorry for throwing you under the bus there. All's fair in love and war and Khanna, hai na? ;)

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

...Uday Chopra tweets about Star Wars.

Goodnight Twitter-chlorians...may the force be with you...

I am blown away by the sheer twit of that pun. (See what I did there?) No, wait --

...for those who didn't get it...Twitter-chlorians was a reference to midi-chlorians...ya I know most of u still may not get it

Dude, we got it. Second of all, midichlorians are microorganisms in all living things. So essentially you compared the almighty Twitterati to cell chemistry. WTF's that all about? I should have your imaginary French mother slap you for that! Non?

But if I was to take this line of thinking further than Uday is even capable of, he's basically suggesting that we're not living things as such, we're just a part of other living organisms, just like a ribosome or something. Ribosomes are important, but they can't, you know, speak, vote, tweet or go see Uday Chopra films in theaters. Or maybe, as midichlorians, what is important is the count of them - so what is important to Uday is not that people are interacting with each other on Twitter, but that they're following him and adding to his follower count.

I guess what I'm saying is follow Yoda, not Uday Chopra on Twitter.

@juniorbachchan "Young Jedi"!!!? I'm a Master Jedi...show some respect!!!

It's "Jedi master", not "master Jedi". Also, if Bollywood was a Jedi academy, you would be one of those foot-tall younglings, not Mace Windu sitting comfortably in the council. Let's be real here.

..I'm going to the planet Hoth in the Hoth System...it's freezing there

Now we know how the Imperial troops find out about the rebels staying in Hoth. I'm not usually a fan of revisionist history but Let's Blame Uday Chopra For Everything is my kind of theorizing.

Landing on the icy planet of Hoth...training young paduans today

PADAWANS. Pa-da-wans. And may the Force be with those poor padawans, to face such trials at a young age.

Morning all...thought for today..."Build your foundations with the stones thrown at you"...have an awesome day y'all

Uday's going to have some house, I can tell you that much. And I'm glad to have helped him out.

Ten quotes from Uday Chopra.

Oh, Uday Chopra.

I'm going to devote an entry to Uday Chopra, because nobody else will. I can understand why, as can anybody with eyes and ration of a regular human being. Uday Chopra is the epitome of nepotism; he's not particularly talented, attractive or worth our attention, and yet he has a film career. Not a career worth boasting about, I should add. Nobody's writing scripts with him in mind, at least outside YRF offices.

But who knows, maybe times will change. Maybe he'll land himself in an artsy regional film next year and get himself a National Award. Maybe ten years from now we'll remember Aamir Khan as a silly chocolate hero who did some "thoughtful" movies and Uday Chopra as the Guru Dutt of our times.

Maybe once I finish typing this post, Amar, Akbar and Anthony will knock on my door and we'll all sit in my room and discuss modern religion over cups of steaming chai. Maybe unicorns are born from strawberries.

Let's dive in deep to the magnificent mind of Uday Chopra. None of the quotes are altered, in punctuation or spelling or stupidity.

(I understand this is a pretty meanspirited post towards a dude who probably knows he's not exactly popular. It's a bit of kicking a man when he's down. But it also makes a point that there's something wrong with the system, if it benefits the people who don't have the chops to do this thing.)

1. "Your star sign: Capricorn - however I don't like being a Capricorn - I would prefer to be an Scorpio - infact I decided to change my birthday from 5th Jan to 5th Nov to be a Scorpio - I just love the traits of being a Scorpio - they can be mean and have a sting - Qualities that I think are very attractive."

From his website, udaychopra.com under "Trivia". I bet he'd find this post attractive! And honestly, I know astrology is big in India and everything, but isn't the whole idea of it that stars determine YOUR character, not that you determine your stars in order to have a more interesting personality?

2. "For ages Indian youth has been repressing his sexual desires and that's why the crime rates are so high. In Scandinavia, the crime rate is zero per cent because they are free and liberated."

From an interview in The Hindu, December 2005. Probably his most quoted slice of brilliance, one he probably regrets the most, if he is at all aware of its quotedness. Won't even begin to pick this one apart, it's too easy to.

3. "Sleep is for the weak, food is for babies, and happiness for women.. Real men don't need any of it.. I knw..I knw..bt dis is who I am 2 day"

From his twitter, December 2009. Just ...WHAT. I'm pretty sure sleep and food are some of the things everybody needs to survive. Stop crying, emo kid.

4. "Your favourite bedroom line - Leave the light on"

From his website, under "Trivia". Just reading this fills me with discomfort and strange horror.

5. "Yup I spoke French, actually I'm half French from my imaginary mothers side..she's from Lyon..makes killer potatoes :))))"

From his twitter, November 2009. WTF WTF WTF. Overall I'm really resenting the obnoxious use of foreign languages in his tweets. Graituitous and show-offy. If you have such an expertise of languages, why don't you make use of that education in something worthwhile? You horrible child of privilege.

And really, who has imaginary parents? Isn't that kind of insulting? Fake-pretend-boyfriends are one thing but imaginary French mothers .. just .. I can't even process it.

6. Most unbelievable quote ABOUT Uday Chopra: "After three years and three films down the line, he has created a niche for himself in Bollywood."

From BBC Shropshire in 2003 (I know, BBC Shropshire wtf?), regarding release of Supari. No, he has not. Six years later, he *has not*. Six years from now, he'll still be unlikely to have a niche for himself. I'll deep-fry my sock the day Uday Chopra has a niche for himself.

7. "Mondays are so strange! it's like everything resets itself on Monday and then continues again. Like an unending loop that just keeps going"

From his twitter, November 2009. Yeah, it's like there's a unit of time and when that unit of time ends, there's like, another unit of time that's exactly the same length of time. It's so weird!

8. "Thought for today - "There is no spoon"...let me know if anyone gets it :-)"

From his twitter, October 2009. No, nobody is likely to get that, considering what an obscure forgotten indie film The Matrix was. In the words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa."

9. "Favourite colour - Blue but I like Red better"

From his website, under "Trivia". I'm sure Green's kicking himself right now. Also, I think the very definition of "favourite" demands that you don't like something better than your favourite.

10. "I Confess - I´m weird"

From his website, under "Trivia". I concur.


I suppose you might want to want to know how many Uday Chopra movies I've seen. The answer? Enough. But I suppose, looking at this positively, it's not like he's in such high demand that he'd be taking roles from better actors.

Why did I type this post? More to the point, why did I research it? Back to waiting for unicorns to grow out of my frozen strawberries.

Happy 2010. You too, Uday. Kind of..?