Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara - audio review.

I decided that instead of writing an incredibly rambling review, I'd record one.

Whether this was a smart move on my part is anybody's guess, but here's the review link:

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD/LISTEN. You can listen by pressing "play", or you can download. It's 11MB, around 12.5 minutes long, and in MP3-format.

I say "um" a lot, but I also edited a ton of "ums" and "ers" out..

Twitterati, twitterwasis, twitdoesntmatter...

I don't consider myself any authority on anything but if I may make some bold claims about Bollywood twitterati, I'll say this:

All hail R_Khanna.

"Back-to-back evenings full of glamour, dancing, sex, violence & raw, pulsing drama. Who needs Bollywood when it's wedding season in India?"
Weddings in India are masala films that also contain sex? If so, can I go to the ones Rahul Khanna attends? Please?

No wonder I rarely see this guy in mainstream films. He's way too busy. Way too busy being awesome.

He's so normal and flawed like the rest of us, but not in a cringe-inducing way!

"Walk briskly past Duty Free, Rahul. Do not make eye-contact with the Chunky Kit-Kat display. I repeat, do NOT make... Arrgh - too late!"
Kit-Kat addiction! Could this man be more adorable? I doubt it.

"Perhaps I can use my recovery time to write books under the nom de plume Ian Phlegming. Should I start with A View to a Chill or Coldfinger?"
Let's marry. Or at the very least, Twittermarry. Matwimony?

But as always, in Twitterverse, with the good comes the bad.

It is with a heavy heart that I return to my mortal twenemy, Uday Chopra.

"I can see the future...and i can see that tomorrow...I will wake up with a smile...good night my lovely twitteronians...a new word for y'all"
We didn't ask for a new word. Don't you remember what I told you about mid-chlorians? Why don't you just call us people? We're people, like you! Only better at tweeting. And acting.

"Ive discovered a truth about myself tday..I cant type with my eyes closed..ufrrk juhr u tu erute dubvet guvfso..guess its best 2 say gdnight"
I could've told you as much. And I'm typing this with my eyes closed, too.


And now we also have a new kid on the block, who doesn't ask "main aisa kyun hoon?" but instead makes us question everything we know. Like the meaning of life (inspirational poster by Ajnabi). And such. And ...time for the gym!

iHrithik, comes free with most Macbooks.

"Goodnite my beautiful tweeple,I'm humbled by ur love! GOd bless you ALL! N thank u from d bottom of my heart!may tom b beeautiful 4 u n me!!"
Everythings just real speciall!! In his world!!! Overusing exclamation marks!!! Is a sure-fire way to show you're new on the internet!!!

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE ?....... Whatever U WANT it TO BE !!! ;) goodnite tweeple! Good luck 4 Exams, work, and evrything else!!!"
Truly inspirational stuff.

But of course, even a great man such as the mythical iHrithik has to run into some questionable, fail-type waters. Such as not realizing that even if a Pakistani kid is being called "paki" and bullied, it doesn't really do much to stand up and be "proud" of your Pakistani heritage. I mean, in the UK it's a racial slur, not an insult against being Pakistani.

Anyway...

"My fav supplements- vit C, multivitamin, antioxident, L-glutamine, omega 3(never 6), creatine(only to bulk 4 short periods),.."
Write what you know, Hrithik. Write what you know.

Oh oh oh remember that Shahrukh guy who twitterized poetry last time I covered his tweets? Well, he's still tweeting, apparently. I guess he has a new movie out and he's trying to promote it. Sweet kid, I hope some people go see it.

"love u all my knightwriters. celebrating dark...silence...quiet...dreams...and shutting down of the day. will reopen tomorrow...goodknight."
What the what now? Dude, you gotta stop rewatching The Dark Knight. You are not Batman. I mean if Mumbai needed a dark knight, you have enough moolah to go all Bruce Wayne on it but you're not Batman. Or are you? Is this your way of telling us..?

"batman/trackpants/dont like visits...i am homebody/dont like to swim but have to for my shoulder/sundays at home/want to do a comedy now"
...Holy item number, Batman, it's ...Bombay ka Batman!!!

And with this revelation, I shall go away. But Bollycelebrities on Twitter, remember, I am watching you. I may not be following you because I like to keep my brain clean, but I am watching you.

PS. Rahul, '@' me anytime! I promise you I'm not the weird foreign chick who pervs on most males in your family. No, no. That's Beth, you see. I'm totally regular and well-adjusted.

PPS. Beth, sorry for throwing you under the bus there. All's fair in love and war and Khanna, hai na? ;)

All your epos are belong to us. Jodhaa-Akbar.

I use the word 'epic' in stupid internet slang a lot because I'm an idiot. But it's every now and then that I discover the true meaning of epic, and no, it's not by picking up Kalevala or the Iliad, but this time, by sitting down in the enormous warmth of Manchester's Trafford Centre to watch Ashutosh Gowariker's historical epic Jodhaa-Akbar.

The film is long enough to make sure you really do feel like you're living in the world of the legendary Mughal ruler Akbar. The main character is naturally glorified in order to make him a true Bollywood hero; in the same way Mangal Pandey is credited with the 1847 uprising in The Rising, or the same way history is ignored in Asoka. Of course, the polemic will happen and has happened, but I personally decide to shrug and move along. I know the facts, I know the arguments; now let me enjoy the movie.

Even if Jodha never existed, it's a lovely tale within this epic. I saw zilch of Hrithik-Aishwarya chemistry in Dhoom 2, but in here, they were really something (even if Hrithik is again doing most of the work). I enjoyed the course of the relationship, and the few key scenes (especially the one picturized above) they had were simply terrific and loaded with hotness.

Aishwarya's acting is sufficient, and sadly that's the only word I can use to describe it. She captures Jodha's determinism but is hardly amazing. With Hrithik I'm slightly more at odds. He makes an incredibly intense romantic hero. He also has the presence of a Mughal ruler. On the other hand, I've never been in love with his more dramatic acting. Combined with the constant dramatic sound effects, it lends to a certain over-the-topness that becomes more amusing than believable.

The long movie is not without slow moments but thankfully avoids being the dragged out film Swades was. On the other hand, who can complain when the movie is this pretty? The visuals make you feel at home in your seat, even though I also had moments when I was wondering what time it was, and how I would probably faint, not thanks to Hrithik but to starvation, before the credits roll.

But back to epicness. My friend and I discussed during interval how the movie was so epicly dramatic that it sometimes felt like the air was too heavy to breathe. Dun dun dunnn! More positive aspects of Jodha-Akbar's epicness are the crowd scenes, the sets, the battles. While they in no way rival those of Lord of the Rings, on the Indian scale they are very impressive. Plus, elephants. You simply cannot go wrong with some elephants.

While I didn't love Jodhaa-Akbar, it was quite the ride, and definitely one of those films Bollywood fans at large should make sure to watch. I will also offer tons of sympathy to everybody who, like me when I'm not travelling the globe, will not be able to see this on the big screen.