Oh, Uday Chopra.
I'm going to devote an entry to Uday Chopra, because nobody else will. I can understand why, as can anybody with eyes and ration of a regular human being. Uday Chopra is the epitome of nepotism; he's not particularly talented, attractive or worth our attention, and yet he has a film career. Not a career worth boasting about, I should add. Nobody's writing scripts with him in mind, at least outside YRF offices.
But who knows, maybe times will change. Maybe he'll land himself in an artsy regional film next year and get himself a National Award. Maybe ten years from now we'll remember Aamir Khan as a silly chocolate hero who did some "thoughtful" movies and Uday Chopra as the Guru Dutt of our times.
Maybe once I finish typing this post, Amar, Akbar and Anthony will knock on my door and we'll all sit in my room and discuss modern religion over cups of steaming chai. Maybe unicorns are born from strawberries.
Let's dive in deep to the magnificent mind of Uday Chopra. None of the quotes are altered, in punctuation or spelling or stupidity.
(I understand this is a pretty meanspirited post towards a dude who probably knows he's not exactly popular. It's a bit of kicking a man when he's down. But it also makes a point that there's something wrong with the system, if it benefits the people who don't have the chops to do this thing.)
1. "Your star sign: Capricorn - however I don't like being a Capricorn - I would prefer to be an Scorpio - infact I decided to change my birthday from 5th Jan to 5th Nov to be a Scorpio - I just love the traits of being a Scorpio - they can be mean and have a sting - Qualities that I think are very attractive."
From his website, udaychopra.com under "Trivia". I bet he'd find this post attractive! And honestly, I know astrology is big in India and everything, but isn't the whole idea of it that stars determine YOUR character, not that you determine your stars in order to have a more interesting personality?
2. "For ages Indian youth has been repressing his sexual desires and that's why the crime rates are so high. In Scandinavia, the crime rate is zero per cent because they are free and liberated."
From an interview in The Hindu, December 2005. Probably his most quoted slice of brilliance, one he probably regrets the most, if he is at all aware of its quotedness. Won't even begin to pick this one apart, it's too easy to.
3. "Sleep is for the weak, food is for babies, and happiness for women.. Real men don't need any of it.. I knw..I knw..bt dis is who I am 2 day"
From his twitter, December 2009. Just ...WHAT. I'm pretty sure sleep and food are some of the things everybody needs to survive. Stop crying, emo kid.
4. "Your favourite bedroom line - Leave the light on"
From his website, under "Trivia". Just reading this fills me with discomfort and strange horror.
5. "Yup I spoke French, actually I'm half French from my imaginary mothers side..she's from Lyon..makes killer potatoes :))))"
From his twitter, November 2009. WTF WTF WTF. Overall I'm really resenting the obnoxious use of foreign languages in his tweets. Graituitous and show-offy. If you have such an expertise of languages, why don't you make use of that education in something worthwhile? You horrible child of privilege.
And really, who has imaginary parents? Isn't that kind of insulting? Fake-pretend-boyfriends are one thing but imaginary French mothers .. just .. I can't even process it.
6. Most unbelievable quote ABOUT Uday Chopra: "After three years and three films down the line, he has created a niche for himself in Bollywood."
From BBC Shropshire in 2003 (I know, BBC Shropshire wtf?), regarding release of Supari. No, he has not. Six years later, he *has not*. Six years from now, he'll still be unlikely to have a niche for himself. I'll deep-fry my sock the day Uday Chopra has a niche for himself.
7. "Mondays are so strange! it's like everything resets itself on Monday and then continues again. Like an unending loop that just keeps going"
From his twitter, November 2009. Yeah, it's like there's a unit of time and when that unit of time ends, there's like, another unit of time that's exactly the same length of time. It's so weird!
8. "Thought for today - "There is no spoon"...let me know if anyone gets it :-)"
From his twitter, October 2009. No, nobody is likely to get that, considering what an obscure forgotten indie film The Matrix was. In the words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa."
9. "Favourite colour - Blue but I like Red better"
From his website, under "Trivia". I'm sure Green's kicking himself right now. Also, I think the very definition of "favourite" demands that you don't like something better than your favourite.
10. "I Confess - I´m weird"
From his website, under "Trivia". I concur.
I suppose you might want to want to know how many Uday Chopra movies I've seen. The answer? Enough. But I suppose, looking at this positively, it's not like he's in such high demand that he'd be taking roles from better actors.
Why did I type this post? More to the point, why did I research it? Back to waiting for unicorns to grow out of my frozen strawberries.
Happy 2010. You too, Uday. Kind of..?