Hire me, Bollywood: Kiss of the Spider Woman re-imagining

Argentinian author Manuel Puig's novel "Kiss of the Spider Woman" (illustrated here by the novel's stylish Finnish translation cover art) draws a lot out of a simple premise: the dialogue between two prisoners, one a staunch communist activist and the other an effeminate gay man, forms almost the entirety of the novel. Valentin, the former, listens to Molina, the latter, tell him stories from old movies - through these re-tellings they discuss each other, life, politics and love.

The novel was perhaps the first to be told almost entirely through dialogue (with some official documents and footnotes relishing the story on the side), and it was later adapted into a stage version, that was then made into an Academy Award-winning film.

And after I finished reading and mulling this story over, I just thought to myself, "This would make a fantastic Indian film."

Why do I think it's so ripe for an Indian film remake? If you've read the novel, you know it packs a punch precisely because there is so much there to get into. The stories of the films tell us something about the character who narrates them; Molina is an escapist at heart, stuck in a world that doesn't accept him, but as the novel also shows, stuck inside these gendered misconceptions of both himself and the world around him. This kind of escapism is what forms a large part of the tradition of Indian films - the other reality where the corrupt politicians get beaten up by brave populist heroes, where the beautiful girl and the handsome boy fight adversity and find love despite their families' disapproval, the classic melodramatic heroines singing poetic tunes about their woes.. 

These kinds of aspects would find an easy translation into the films of Hindi film yore. Then there are things about the character that would obviously be different. Molina's identification with femininity means he might be categorised as a hijra in the Indian context. Or the character might be more closeted in terms of who he really is, and who he wants to be. 

Valentin, on the other hand, is the revolutionary, whose movement relies on secrecy, but who suddenly finds it impossible not to share some of himself with Molina. The two men form a bond - and without spoiling, it's safe to say this bond is not easily defined, especially given their unusual circumstances. Valentin seems haunted by doubts about his cause, and his constant reading of political literature seems to be partly due wanting to educate himself, but also to make sure he remains committed to his cause. 

India's history has no shortness of revolutionary movements, and at least in some states, the Maoist Naxalite movement has been seen as gaining prominence (as well as being classified a terrorist organisation by official authorities). So again, this would not necessarily be a difficult thing to transplant into the Indian context. 

In the novel, they get through many films - six according to some counts, seven according to others. In the film and stage version, they only delve deeply into one. On the page, scenes can whizz by when narrated, but in film, telling a story takes longer. But the narration of the films are integral to the story, not just because they form such a big part of it, but also because they cut into the differences between these two characters - Molina's melodramatic tastes in film reflect popular cinema, whereas communist Valentin's dismissal of certain films, certain scenes in them, seems to suggest an elitism. A really good director could form a story, a film within a film, with this narration, that would dig deep into this particular contrast between the two characters. The political v the non-political, the progressive v the socially conservative, the popular v the high-brow.

As for casting, well, if you want to aim big,  then why not aim the biggest? Aamir Khan as the brooding, uncertain Valentin, plagued by his past regrets but committed to his cause. Shahrukh Khan as the equally uncertain but only as fragile as he allows himself to be Molina, the narrator of the films that stir such emotions inside them both, the eternal escapist, unhappy in this world but with little desire to change it. For both stars, these would be bold roles, and fascinating characters to play; and of course, I am fantasy-casting like it's going out of style, here.

If you've not read this novel yet, do so, as I highly recommend it. I cannot speak about the strength of the English translation, as I read the novel in Finnish, but I assume it'd be worth it.

An imaginary look back on the Filmi Year 2013.

I think the year 2013 was never anticipated to be as special for Indian movies as it ended up being. I was certainly surprised, after 2012's batch of both good and bad films, for 2013 to be filled with such incredible and incredibly bizarre films! So it's good to recap, isn't it?

First off, I know I am not backed by many people on this, but I think the DDLJ sequel Dilwale Dulhania Phir Le Jayenge was actually one of the most brave, unconventional films of recent years. This is no RGV ka Aag, but nearly as classic as the original. Aditya Chopra's idea to have Raj and Simran (same names, nothing to do with the original characters) to be stuck together at the US border for days on end was a fascinating portrayal of the NRI community dealing with racism in the US. Kajol's performance as the tough-as-nails FBI agent just doing her job was absolutely something to witness, and her interactions with Raj, the journalist suspected of being a terrorist under a fake identity, painted a very complex picture of what it means to be a person of Indian descent in today's North America. The guest appearance by the famous cowbell was a special touch, but what really gets to you is the post-interval plot - where Raj discovers Simran's arranged marriage to a Hindu nationalist, set up by her US politician father, and decides to crash the wedding - for justice. How about that shoot-up on the mustard field? Brilliant.

A lot of people harped on this movie for its mutilation of the classic original, but to me this was the perfect case of something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Shahrukh and Kajol shine in these drastically re-written roles, and Aditya Chopra peels back the harmony of both the NRI experience and his idealistic Punjab imagery for a chance to really talk about something real. The romance takes the backseat, but I was in tears by the end all the same; the ending gave enough promise that these two might find happiness together. For that, DDPLJ is my movie of the year.

What didn't work as well was Dhoom 3. I was all set for a goofy good time and some action scenes, with Aamir as the villain, but some of the turns the story took were just too out there. While I appreciated holographic Guru Dutt for making an appearance, SPOILER - Katrina turning out to be just a clone of Aamir's villain character was a little disturbing to say the least. So what, was he romancing HIMSELF in the sexy picturization of The Thong Geet? Are you kidding me? Of course, some people claim that post-credits we get a clip where it turns out Aamir's clone was actually Salman's character, leading up to the next film in the series, but I won't believe it until I see it on the DVD!

Still, I've heard people praise Aamir's performance in this film, so maybe I just need to rewatch it. Another praised performance was of course Abhay Deol in the much discussed but not that widely seen dialogue-free art film Mere Ankhon / Me, also known as the "Abhay Deol stares at the camera for 4 hours" film. A lot of reviews just asked "why was this film made?" while I have a feeling I'll like it, so I'll ask - why wasn't this film made earlier?

On the Southie side, I hear good things about the Tamil Sridevi-Siddharth "switcharound" film Nee. Maybe it'll start a trend of older heroines with young heroes? I have some serious catching up to do..

My favourite comedy was definitely Akshay Kumar's Tere Liye Kuchh Bhi (I enjoy Akki's brainless comedies every now and then but this film was positively brainful!), but I really appreciated Sriram Raghavan's puzzlingly quickly-made tribute to modern cinema, the absolutely stellar, clever breaking-the-fourth-wall comedy, I Hate Imran Khan Luv Stories, in which Imran Khan meets himself from the future, chewing over his past and future career, its mistakes and how to fix them. Who would have guessed that Sonam Kapoor was so good at playing Imran Khan from the future? Some people thought this film was trying too hard, but I loved it.

Then there were some bad films, like Gooli Gooli Maar (why Abhishek, why?) and Emraan Hashmi's Teeen!!! (yes, three exclamation marks), which had the actor play three generations of characters, much like his character in The Dirty Picture. Whoever thought that was a genuinely good idea? And just when I was beginning to like Emraan! Vidya did great in her films this year, but that much is to be expected. Her and Madhavan teaming up again in Vishal Bhardwaj's short film Skirt about gender discrimination in the urban workplace was not flawless, but a good effort nonetheless.

As you can tell, I've still lots of films to watch, but out of this year's batch I'd recommend all of the films I've discussed - even the bad ones are special for the WTF factor! What did you love and hate in 2013? Is there anything I missed?

Veracious versus Saif: An Imaginary Chat

Saif: So we're making a sequel to Main Khiladi Tu Anari.

Veracious: Shut up. You're not!

Saif: That's correct, we're not making one at all. In fact, there are no plans. I just happen to say something to the press, and they completely misunderstand it.

Veracious: That can be a problem when you deal with a middle-man when making statements. Why not just release everything on your own, like say, via Twitter?

Saif: Me, on Twitter?

Veracious: You're right, it's probably a terrible idea. Nevermind.

Saif: Now I'm a bit insulted. I'm a thinking wo/man's actor. I made Being Cyrus, you know?

Veracious: Dude, you made Race. There was no thought involved in that.

Saif: Shakespeare was also not appreciated during his time..

Veracious: Actually, Shakespeare was very liked in his day. You Shakespearean you.

Saif: I can't believe you spelled Shakespearean correctly.

Veracious: Whatever. When's Agent Vinod coming out? Flick's been in the making for like four years. What gives?

Saif: Who knows. Sriram's a perfectionist. He's my bhai, though, we'll get it done.

Veracious: Four years, though.

Saif: I don't believe in the concept of years now that I've got a young girlfriend.

Veracious: Wow. Why do I imagine you as such a douchebag?

Saif: You're a bad fan, anyway. Did you ever even see Kurbaan?

Veracious: Shut up, and go make that MKTA sequel.

Saif: How about a remake?

Veracious: You leave the casting to me, and it's a deal.

Saif: Isn't talking to yourself the first sign of madness?

Veracious: First, I'm typing this. And second, I don't believe in madness. You know what I believe in?

Saif: What?

Veracious: M.A.D.-ness.

Saif: Oh god..

Veracious:

Breaking the fourth wall and beyond.

So I had a dream about a big star Hindi film in which me and the friend I was watching it with were actually in ourselves. But not only that, the characters themselves knew they were in a film, but this wasn't the usual Bollywood meta ala Farah Khan or such, this was a rather dark premise wrapped in wild, filmi colours - these characters knew the script, so they also knew when they were going to die.

At the same time, you would have delightfully humorous things like Boman Irani's character commenting how suspicious it was that one of the characters played by Paresh Rawal was never around when the other character played by Paresh Rawal was.

All in all, this was such a fantastic dream I'm not sure if it would make a good movie in the least, but it certainly had some of the right elements. At some point, the big star cast launched into a Kunal Kohli type tribute the yesteryear filmi music, singing songs from HAHK to Shree 420. My friend (remember, inside the film we're watching) commented this was her favourite scene. At some point the film took a bizarre religious, almost Greek drama type element, in which Hindu gods could be prayed to and they would answer, aiding the characters in whatever the script demanded from them - whether it was becoming the villain, making budding romance blossom or preventing death of a loved one. (The Hindu gods, by the way? Played by great actors of the past. I'm pretty sure Sharmila Tagore was Lakshmi.)

The action finale turned the film into a Matrix of some kind, with parts moving as you wish, a stone wall erected where there was nothing before just because, bullets not hitting a character if they didn't want to die yet.

As I said previously, wouldn't make a very good movie, but would make a messy movie with some very good elements. Essentially I just had to share this with you before I forgot about it as so often happens with dreams.

The Finnish movie that should be an Indian film instead.

Recently I saw most of a Finnish oldie (Suomi-filmi) called Minä ja mieheni morsian (Me and my husband's bride) from 1955. While the movie's a remake of a 1936 film Mieheke (Pretend-husband, a thematic sequel to Vaimoke, Pretend-wife from the same year), in my understanding Mieheke never had songs, which Minä ja mieheni morsian really does. The plot is ripe for comedy of misunderstandings but I wasn't too fond of the movie. I'm guessing the original is a much, much better movie.

But as I was watching I couldn't help but think how awesome the film would be as a Bollywood film (because of the songs and the general comedic plot). If I had a time machine to make it in black-and-white or a 70's light comedic fare would be great (Rishi and Neetu would be just what the doctor ordered) but as I don't, I'm forced to recast with modern actors.

All Bollywood producers reading; technically you ought to credit Hilja Valtonen for the plot outline, but if you must, you can credit me for the free desified version. I accept PayPal and marriage proposals from Abhay Deol; no cash or credit cards, please. I've taken some creative liberties with the original film(s) and left a lot of plot details out.

Okay, so. A company called Malhotra and Son is hiring a new secretary. Knowing the frivolous nature of her husband and her son, the family matriarch Mrs Malhotra (Farida Jalal because this is a "tough mum" role to counterbalance all her "nice mum" roles) has decided that one of the secretary's qualities should be frumpiness. She's decided on a candidate, more or less, when in walks Sita (Sonam Kapoor) for her job interview. Mrs Malhotra is determined not to hire her because she's so beautiful (and thus would be perved on by Senior Malhotra-saab & hit on by Junior Malhotra-saab), until she hears that Sita, with excellent qualifications, is married - therefore unavailable to her to-be-boss' advances.

The problem is, Sita is not married - outside the company building she ran into the younger Malhotra, Prem (Neil Nitin Mukesh) who falls for her instantly. He tells her she won't get the job unless she says she's married, which Sita takes to heart, leading her to the lie.

Mrs Malhotra, however, insists to see Sita's husband, who Sita hastily lies is currently unemployed. Outside the company, Sita first tries to convince Prem to pose as her husband, but naturally Prem's mother wouldn't buy the lie at all. Sita lies her husband is inside a near-by restaurant, where she then asks the waiter for "Mr Sharma". The waiter tells her there are several Mr Sharma's currently seated in the restaurant, so she calls out the name and three men stand up. She eyes them in desperation and chooses to walk to the youngest, most handsome one, Santosh Sharma (Shahid Kapoor but lots of others could work in this role, basically anybody older than Sonam but younger than the close-to-or-over 40 batch of actors), an architect who also happens to be Prem's best friend.

Santosh is confused by the situation but goes along with it, seeing his friend's tough maa. Later in private, Sita thanks Santosh for going along with the act, but says she can spin a story about getting divorced so they don't have to pretend anymore. This is before they hear how much Mrs Malhotra disapproves of divorce, and so they're forced to continue with the charade, and eventually grow closer and more and more fond of each other. Sita works at the company while Prem, desperately in love with her, tries to convince Sita to date him instead of Santosh, but is too chicken to tell his mother about the fake marriage.

The plot thickens when news arrive that Santosh's fiancee Madhuri (Lara Dutta but my second choice Neha Dhupia would work splendidly as well), a successful singer, is returning to India after a long tour and is finally ready to settle down with him. Her arrival is highly publicized and a picture of her and Santosh is printed in the papers. Mrs Malhotra sees it and put on the spot, Sita lies that Madhuri is in fact Santosh's long-lost sister. A ton of comedic hijinks ensue while Sita and Santosh realize they love each other, try to keep their pretend-marriage together while working out of it to admit their true feelings to each other and the people around them!

If we must, there is a comedic plot strand involving Mr Malhotra Senior's brother who comes from another state and has a very down-to-earth, funky accent (in the Finnish original he was from Eastern Finland, in this ..Gurajat? Punjab?) and how he clashes with his sister-in-law (aka Mrs Malhotra). And if you so wish, there can be a secondary coupling where Madhuri is uncharacteristically taken in by the hapless Prem and they fall in love.

So.. Main aur Mera Pati ki Dulhan (direct translation of the Finnish original title), in theaters whenever somebody decides to make it & release it. Ball's in your court, Bollywood!

For more Finnish film blather check out: Finnish films that remind me of Indian films.

What if Rancho was Radhika? Genderswitching Indian films.

The recent hullabaloo regarding Disney's Rapunzel changing its title to Tangled (along with other changes) to attract boy viewers have made me think about gender in cinema and television, once again. When even Disney's dreamy princess fairytales (which have been critisized for providing regressive portrayals of gender; girls are there for boys to rescue) are being sold to attract boys, because apparently only boys matter as viewers, it's like, what gives?

This lead me to thinking about Hindi cinema, or most of what I've seen of Indian cinema on the whole, and how much of films are men's stories and purely men's stories. This is the sort of thing one comes to accept as a fact, so much that I tend to forget about it, and then I see something that is an exception and it's a jolt, a surprise. In Hollywood we've got problems of a different set; women directors not being taken seriously, thinking they can only make a certain genre, and female characters only on-screen to talk about men (see also: Bechdel test).

I look at my DVD shelf and do a count of films I own that could be considered women's stories; Seeta Aur Geeta, Meera (70's film), Aaja Naachle, Chak De India, Dor, Ek Hasina Thi, Dil Bole Hadippa (kind of? maybe?), Namastey London (again, kind of).

Then there are a bunch of romantic movies which I really enjoy, because the heroines in them are active and brilliant, and nicely fleshed out characters, like Hum Tum, Bunty Aur Babli, Jab We Met, Kaminey. Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic, which most people hated but I loved, could also be considered a semi-female-centric movie.

On the Southie side, I can't see much -- though I enjoy some characters a lot, like the spunky Jothika character in Dhool and Kaadhal's awesome heroine who actually pursues the hero and is not afraid to show her sexuality.

But why am I bringing this up? Because I like to play a game of genderswitch - "what if so and so film had female leads, not male ones?" Just like Ramesh Sippy did in the 70's, when he decided to remake Ram aur Shyam, not starring Rajesh Khanna, Dharmendra, Sanjeev Kumar, Shashi Kapoor or Amitabh Bachchan, but with Hema Malini as the twins. A good show of how this "what if" game can actually wield results. So let's get to it.

Dil Chahta Hai is the first one I've seen people long for - show girls having deep-rooted friendships, show them break up and make up, and find love and then rekindle their friendships with one another. The closest we ever got to this was Chak De India, a rare film where we see girls have the same epic, complex relations that are usually reserved for boys in films.

A genderswitch version of Dostana would probably be the boldest mass entertainer in recent years. Showing girls pretend to be lesbians because they like a guy they moved in with? This would be a much more interesting film than the actual Dostana, but also questionable - there's a lot of sexist and homophobic thinking out there that all lesbians need is a love of a man to make them straight (ugh). So perhaps it's best to change the ending somehow - maybe the girls really fall for each other, but being competitive as they are, they end up in a matchmaking competition, each trying to set up their male flatmate with a girl of their choice. Eventually the flatmate gets fed up with this, confronts them, the girls make up, and they continue living together in harmony. Happies ending!

3 Idiots is another obvious one; a movie centered around guys in an all-male institution, learning important, epic lessons about life and learning itself. A movie like this being genderswitched might result in some interesting discoveries about the value of female education (and how it is being consistently undervalued by some), parental pressures of a different sort (both to a career choice and to get married) etc. But at the core the message wouldn't change much - female students also need to begin realizing their full potential by going for what they desire in life, not what they are pushed towards.

Some movies would be so starkly different they wouldn't work on the same level. Consider for example any film where a hero goes through consider amount of violence. The heroine who could withstand that, fight back physically, and come out on top would be exceptional and that would change certain things about the movie. However, it's not impossible - Mumaith Khan and some other heroines have done full-on action roles in the South industries.

I'm not sure if I have a closing thought. I guess I wish somebody in current Indian cinema would do as Ramesh Sippy did; spin a male-centric story into a female-centric one, and make gold. But something's stopping them, and I am not interested in hearing excuses (it wouldn't make any money, none of the current crop of heroines are good enough, people go to see heroes, not heroines..), I just want to see the film happen. If you make a good enough film, it'll be a hit. But who's brave enough to make the effort and take that leap?

Here's to hoping somebody is.

[Ladies in this post; Jothika, Katrina Kaif in Namastey London, Hema Malini in Laal Patthar, Konkona Sen Sharma in Omkara, Vidya Balan in Guru.]

Fruits of procrastination: 90's Saif fanvideo.

The mullet, the dance moves.. so many good reasons not to watch a Saif film from the 90's. And yet, so many of us have despite our human rationality.

Clips used from Dil Tera Deewana, Main Khiladi Tu Anari, Hamesha & Suraksha. I haven't seen DTD or Suraksha but I have a song DVD with songs from them. The Dil Tera Deewana song is so godawful I may upload it in full.

Fashion and a bit about Madhur Bhandarkar in general.

Beware: lots of major spoilers in this review, and very, very, very ranting.


Fashion was just this exercise in annoyance. I really liked the film at first. It wasn't perfect, it was predictable, but it was fun to watch, fashion escapism with a bit of a real edge to it, and a cast of characters I wasn't emotionally attached to but didn't mind watching, either. Then the plot took some turns and I was still watching it keenly, just noticing that I preferred the storylines of Janet (Mugdha Godse) and Shonali (Kangana Raut) to that of Meghna (Priyanka Chopra), our main character with the dream of becoming a super model.

As Meghna makes her dream into reality, the predictable thing happens: her success goes to her head in a massive way, she becomes a relentless bitch, an annoying diva, who snaps at everybody, is mean to everybody, and doesn't even notice how her behavior affects those around her. Eventually she gets on the path of substance abuse, just like her predecessor super-model Shonali, and hits rock bottom.

This is where the film really goes off the rails. If Meghna is an unlikable character for me but the film has more to offer than her storyline, as it at first seemed to, I'm game, but eventually the film becomes all about Meghna and I'm expected to care about her, when she essentially ruined her life with her own choices and poor consideration. Add to that the blatant racism of the scene where she realizes she hit rock bottom after sleeping with a black guy. Because the fact your boss essentially gave you the boot, your friends more or less all deserted you, your alcoholism, and then taking drugs, that's not enough to make you realize you may have deeply messed up your life. No, it's a one night stand with a black guy. Oh the horror! (Not to mention the implication that she wouldn't have had sex with him if it hadn't been for the drugs. Gah, just typing this makes me angry.)

Then the film fuses the storylines of Shonali and Meghna and this is where I tune in again, but of course, Shonali's messed up life is disposed of to make way for Meghna's self-actualization, so that she can shine again or whatever the hell.

Beth had a lot of good points in her Fashion rant, and one of them was regarding that we never find out why Meghna wants to become a super-model. I'd add to that a flaw that makes Fashion a weird one; it can be seen as a shockingly realistic expose on the drugs, the sex, the casting couch, the corruption of the fashion world, but at the same time, Meghna's "salvation" can only come from her getting back on the runway, the one thing that essentially destroyed her. It also annoys me that everybody encourages her to do so - the world that she first desired, then burned herself in, is the one she needs to become complete in some kind of twisted way. Stardom as a model is what we see her accomplish, even though the whole point of the film was to hammer in the message that this world is cruel and Meghna didn't know how to handle it, and neither did Shonali. Except now, at the end of the film, she's fierce and she can handle it? But what did she learn, in the end? Don't do drugs? Don't sleep with black guys? God, the writing is supposedly thought-through but has all these glaring mistakes.

I know this genre Madhur Bhandarkar enjoys delving in - the genre that takes an idealist person who wants to achieve something big in a world most of us find interesting and glamorous and read about, and then shoves that person into that world, as they climb the social ladder that gets them there. The person goes through a transformation, and that transformation alienates them from their friends, family, their old comfortable ordinary life, essentially. But as glamorous and amazing as their new life is, they quickly see how shallow and awful and cruel and corrupt and full of bad people it is. It might also be stressful and all these other things that lead them to having an utter breakdown, and that breakdown makes them go back to their roots; where they began and then they discover that partner that dumped them, and those friends, and that family, and that knitting club and a big mug of tea every morning; the ordinary, comfortable life. Eventually the person goes onto do something else; something that makes them whole but keeps them away from the world they visited and now know to be bad. "Many cakes are pretty on the outside", goes a Finnish proverb, reminding us that appearances are indeed deceiving.

It's an age-old tale. And you know what? It's one I can enjoy. One of my favourite chicklit novels is Everyone Worth Knowing by Lauren Weisberger, which has a plotline essentially what I just described. Predictable, unoriginal? Yes. Satisfying read on a rainy day? Absolutely.

The problem with Fashion is that it doesn't do the twist where the breakdown is followed by self-actualization in the comfortable middle-class life Meghna used to have, with friends and whatnot. Meghna just freezes while time continues around her. She can't live if she's on that catwalk. But geez, that catwalk wasn't very good to her! And I never understood why she needed the catwalk for her self-actualization anyway.

The journey to a glamorous but rotten world can result in a fairly life-affirming story (in the sense that the viewer feels their own ordinary lives may be drab and they don't do Jimmy Choo photoshoots, but at the same time they've got a nice family, their job is less high pressure, they can eat big meals etc) while still being realistic and tackling some real issues, like casting couch, drug abuse etc. But Fashion is predictable without following the trope to its satisfying ending, and it also focuses on its least interesting character (I vastly preferred storylines of Shonali and Janet).

There was some good stuff in there, too; I seriously wasn't very annoyed until the coke-snorting and black-dude-morning-after scenes, but overall, the movie sort of undoes itself by the end. I just couldn't enjoy the ride anymore.

---

But about Madhur Bhandarkar some more. I've only seen Page 3 and now Fashion, and both of those stories had some similarities, in that they're exposés that reveal the underbellies of celebrity and fashion industry. These sort of stories are pretty old in American/European entertainment, I feel. We all grew up watching them, and learning that celebrity is a double-edged sword and all is not as great as it seems and people in places that focus on appearance are superficial up to a fault and all this sort of stuff. So it feels kind of dull to watch these stories in an Indian context. I don't follow gossip much. I don't want to rub elbows with celebrities. I mean, I wouldn't mind meeting a few stars, but I'm not focusing all my energy on such a goal because I know it probably wouldn't be worth it, struggling to get into that world.

It's tough to evaluate these stories, because of how old they feel to me, but how new they might be in an Indian context, to the audiences who might mostly have seen the dream factory stuff. Are these stories worth telling? It's not really up to me to decide, certainly, but I still feel like Bhandarkar could draw something new out of this formula. A lot of the disappointment just comes from the hype surrounding these movies, especially Page 3. I mean, it was okay. It didn't make any favourite lists for me, though.

Something I told Beth in chat, while processing my thoughts on P3 and Fashion, was that essentially I saw an old Hollywood story formula in Rock On, too. And yet, I loved that movie to bits and enjoyed its simplicity and purity. It felt like a new story was being told in the Indian context where rockbands do not reign supreme, and I could appreciate it, and felt it would be good if it were to increase awareness of the country's underground rock scene. Perhaps the difference between this formula and that of the exposé films was that Rock On brought on the positive vibes and celebrated a world while showing its rough edges (the dicky record label guy, the pressure to sell out). These exposés rarely do. So I guess in the end what makes me so unenthusiastic about them is not the "what", it's the "how".

---

I also keep thinking about how I'd written Meghna's ending. I might've kept the fashion world as a terms of self-actualization but changed the setting. Perhaps she writes an exposé on the world, and finds her true calling as an investigative journalist. Perhaps she goes into fashion design herself. Perhaps she begins coaching new models to put her posing skills and her experience into good use to make sure other models don't mess up like she did. One thing the film completely ignored about the world of modelling is the short career models have. You start at sixteen, you retire at 27. What then? You do what Meghna did and spend two of your work years messing up your life and then building it back up, your career's going to be over in a few years. Of course, there were plenty of other realism mess-ups but you know, if this film actually inspired some people to go into modeling, they're gonna learn about some actual realities of that world pretty soon. And that learning's going to be more harsh than Meghna's downfall.

Indian Film Advent Calendar #24: The one script to ..be completely disgarded.

Writing a plot outline to a successful Hindi film - how hard can it be? Armed with only some pictures and an imagination largely unused for the better part of this decade, I set to task.

This is going to be largely nonsensical, probably terrible and any resemblances to existing Hindi films are intentional and nonconsequential because nobody's going to make this, right? Right?! (All producers reading, if you're crazy enough to give me money - it is the season of giving in my part of the world! - the email is culling.songs@gmailDOTcom.)

The film is simply called - Paramparaparamparamparamparapa... bas! (short international title: P..b! or Pb or What, Are You Kidding Me? or Nobody Is Going to Ever Make/Watch This Movie). Our story takes place in an alternative historical universe, where India exists in a peculiar timewarp between our current world and ancient Mesopotamia. Only not really. Think Dharam-Veer, only less sensical, because historical accuracy has never been my strong point. But to make this wildly unique, the universe is entirely of its own. Anything can happen ..and does!

Aamir Khan plays Ram, a humble prince of The Royal Kingdom of Neo-India (the old one was run into the ground by an emperor played by Uday Chopra - there was a flashback scene of this but we cut it out ..instantly), who just want to drink Coke and find the love of his life. Little does he know that he is actually second-in-line to the throne, and separated at birth from his identical twin (yes! wait, what?)..

..Raju, played by Akshay Kumar. As you can see, Raju works as a humble mechanic nowadays, constantly covered in oil but not always wearing shirts. But for the sake of the censors and the health and safety of the audience, he does always keep his jeans buttoned up. Promise!


Raju was kidnapped as a baby by an evil witch Roberta (played by black-and-white-Helen, because with modern technology we can do that sort of stuff). After the witch passed away, her clumsy, evil son Robert (played by Akshaye Khanna) left Raju to live with a childless mechanic Girilal (played by ..uhh we'll figure it out later - he'll probably die a tragic death early on in order for Raju to feel a sense of loss and make sure he stands up to the evil that is the Kingdom).

But little does he know that Robert is still around! Doing ..something evil! Look at that evil grin! So evil!


So Raju loses his guardian and after wiping some of the excess motor oil - but not all, are you crazy? - he goes to the King (which are mostly just images of Prithviraj Kapoor from Mughal-e-Azam because we gotta save money somewhere!) and demands justice. Because, you know, if it weren't for the awful kingdom and their taxes and something something, his guardian Girilal would be still alive today! There he meets Ram, and the two brothers clash over the issue of oil costs. Stern political debate follows. Statistics are brought up. We'll probably cut that bit out.

To solve the issue, Ram has to go visit Raju's workshop and there he runs into..

Sita, Girilal's daughter whose mother passed away years ago. She has separated herself from the world of motor oil and instead writes poetry, helps sick children and models on occasion. You know, the usual. Ram naturally falls in love with her but disguises the fact by pretending to be a university friend of Raju's. Sita questions this because Raju never went to university. Ram explains this is the university of mechanics design and time travel. He demonstrates this by singins a song where they are transported to 1990's Switzerland. Sita is impressed and falls in love with him.

Meanwhile Robert plots something evil to overthrow the King and kill Ram. His initial plan of turning the 90's Switzerland in which Ram and Sita (hey, that sounds familiar -- maybe I'm just imagining things) have travelled to into a molten lava pit, but his actions are thwarted by ...

Satyajit, a magical angel (played by Shahrukh Khan), who has protected the twins (yes, really!) Ram and Raju and has since their birth. He was, however, at a wedding when the evil witch Roberta kidnapped Raju, but can you blame him? Who wants to miss out on a wedding? Free food, good music!

Raju, after having cleaned up most of the motor oil off and wearing a shirt, meanwhile is researching the price of oil at the National Library of The Royal Kingdom of Neo-India's Capital City Archives, where he runs into...


..a university student named Nisha (portrayed by Katrina Kaif). They debate the cost of motor oil and whether one is allowed to dog-ear library book pages. Nisha thinks it's perfectly acceptable, while Raju thinks it's sabotaging otherwise good books. They part ways in anger but can't get the arguments out of their minds.

And they probably fall in love, too. There's a song.

At the palace, the little sister of our heroes, Princess Ratnapriya (played by Raima Sen), has a problem of being courted by our terrible villain Robert and as if that's not enough, he has cast her under a spell to manipulate Ram into killing Raju. Ram, after falling in love with Raju's beautiful sister, however doesn't want to kill the man, as he is now forced to pretend their friends, which they are not. Comedy ensues. (Possibly. It might actually not be funny at all. If all fails, we'll do another time-travel scene.)

Satyajit the Angel - or as the audience calls him, Shahrukh - is observing the situation and making popcorn. There is a song sequence where he romances The Devil (played by Kajol), because we've got to draw people into theaters somehow, and borrowing a page from Karan Johar never killed anybody (if it has, please contact me immediately).

As luck should have it, and because if you think you're tired of reading this, I am far too tired of typing it, the Chancellor Daman (Boman Irani) who is like an advisor type person to the King finds a hankerchief that belongs to the evil witch Roberta at Raju's shop while visiting it to get a repair job on his scooter. This proves to Daman that Raju is indeed Rajeev, the missing prince who inexpicably ended up with a similar name under the guard of his former father-figure Girilal. He rushes to let Ram know of this discovery, but his attempt is thwarted by the evil Robert who challenges Daman into a game of internet karom, his only weakness.

Then Robert realizes he could've used magic and so he does, making Daman fall asleep against his keyboard.

Upon seeing this, Satyajit decides it's time to swing into angelic action, but he finds his hands tied - his powers are limited and he cannot tell the brothers that they are indeed brothers as him speaking would blow up their puny human minds. So he does what any good employee does - call his boss to ask how to deal with the situation.

So the Creator Of All Things, Yes, All Things (Rani Mukherjee) decides to some stuff needs to go down and fast.

And she employs all of her powers and sends her God Squad to help out Satyajit.

There's Goddess of Beauty (Deepika Padukone)...

..God of Gambling (Abhishek Bachchan)...

Goddess of Grace (Sharmila Tagore)

God of Non-chalance (Saif Ali Khan) and finally..

..Goddess of Dance (Hema Malini). You know, all the important ones. Obviously.

The God Squad is set to help Satyajit prevent the marriage between Princess Ratnapriya and Robert, which would allow him to directly get the throne after poisoning Ram and Raju at the wedding banquet (this is so why I never eat at weddings). During all this, Daman has woken up and is rushing to the palace to deliver the hankerchief that proofs the connection between Ram and Raju. But as the wedding festivities begin, Robert has one more ace up his sleeve not even the God of Gambling could've detected...

..as Robert has the power of black magic to summon Death Himself (Vinod Khanna), pictured here with his missus, the lovely Lady Deceit (Neetu Singh), to aid him in his wicked deeds.

As Death Himself and the God Squad do battle on the metaphysical realm (which looks a lot like the glorious fields of Punjab), Raju comes to terms with the fact that Ram is in love with his (sort of-)sister Sita, and the price of motor oil is still rising. However, after developing a deep affection for books, he has now decided to quit his mechanic business and go to university to get closer to Nisha.

Little does anybody know that Nisha too is of royal descent, and secretly the princess of 1990's Switzerland, who has decided to study in Neo-India in order to avoid being recognized.

Wedding festivities continue (there's a song or twelve - hey, it worked for HAHK!) and Daman finally reaches the palace with the hankerchief that proves the brothers to be brothers. The truth comes out just as Satyajit reveals the wedding banquet to be poisoned and Robert's mother to be the evil kidnapper of Raju. Robert breaks down, claiming he did all his evil actions because of love for his mother, who has now passed away. He releases Ratnapriya from his spell, but it turns out Satyajit had already done that, and Ratnapriya was truly in love with Robert, secretly hoping her love would redeem him and his evil past.

Robert begs the princes to allow him to make amends with himself and being as magnanimous as Ram and Raju are, both being so humble and noble human beings, they agree to this - but they banish Robert from the Kingdom and insist that he transport himself to 1970's Hindi film industry, which they've heard is a pretty cool place. Ratnapriya decides to go with him, because she's a huge fan of Amitabh Bachchan.

Death Himself leaves the scene unnoticed and instead of a wedding between Robert and Ratnapriya, the festivities continue celebrating the reunion of the brothers and their love for the young women they met during these amazing (well, sort of) adventures they had and of course, the lowering price of motor oil.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Especially Satyajit, who took permanent residence in 90's Switzerland, and met a pretty cool girl on Eurorail...

THE END.


This is the final Indian Film Advent Calendar post as it's now Christmas Eve. Happy Holidays to those who celebrate something during this time of year, have a great end of '09 for those who do not. Thanks for reading and not getting bored with these posts. It's been fun writing them!

IFAC #12: Quotes of Bollymusings past.

Dug up from the archives of my Livejournal, the beginnings of my Bollywood obsession. I enjoy reminiscing.

1. Today I learned that straight in Bollywood equals several thrusting motions done with hips, in tight trousers, in the rhythm of music. Yeah. I love Bollywood, too. - Oct 2005
-- Nowadays I sort of cringe at this sort of "oh they're doing something that doesn't conform to my own culture's masculine ideals, that's so peculiar"-thinking but it's still very telling of the kind of thinking one does go through, without being able to help it.

2. I've discovered that the Finnish saying "Nälkä kasvaa syödessä" (= Hunger grows while eating) applies to Bollywood. I can't get enough. It's nearly scary. - November 2005
-- ...four years later, still here! It's true, all right.

3. I saw Parineeta, which was lovely, but felt way too short. Two hours? That's not a Bollywood movie! - October 2005
-- Oh 2005!self, you are a riot. You're often wrong, but you're still a riot.

4. indians are hotter than hot. - September 2005, title of a post on Ek Hasina Thi.
-- What was that about fetishization... Um. Yeah. So. Moving on (she says, embarrassed).

5. Bollywood films are crazy and have people dancing. I like that. - March 2004
-- Yeah, people dancing. How completely bizarre and insane. But still, it's nice that over five years later I can post on a blog called "so they dance" and still admit to liking the dancing aspect of these films a lot. Some things change, some things don't, y'know?

6. (About a dream I had.)
I bump into Shahrukh Khan at this mall I live close to (WTF #1), and ask him for a hug (WTF #2). Then I launch into full fangirl mode (WTF! #3), tell him, "I love you! You're so inspiring" (WTF?!? #4). He laughs and asks me, "Really? How so?". I proceed to tell him I'm going to write a script for him to star in (WTF #5). He says, "Okay, I'll do it." - January 2006
-- Watch out, SRK, it just might happen! I also love how the last bit is NOT a WTF in my books. Me hugging SRK and writing scripts for him - WTF. Him agreeing to do my script? Not a WTF.

7. You know the day sucks when even Juhi Chawla's face doesn't cheer you up. Meh. - March 2006
-- I hold this truth to be self-evident. Now and forever.

The best Bollywood-playing theater is in my head: or, Fantasy-casting.

I suspect I might have an overactive imagination but I haven't been able to contain this imagination on paper for years now. Instead what I do is think about things I would like to write, or see, or hear. Simply put, I fantasize.

One of my favourite things to fantasize, and I know I'm not the only one who does this so 'fess up people!, are Ideal Hindi Remakes of Non-Hindi Movies. Bollywood remakes and is inspired by and plain rips off on occasion (or depending on your definition, often) but of course, the real Bollywood remakes are often half-assed, low-budget, dumbed down or feature B-list stars. They'll be one of those unfunny Priyadarshan comedies or just generally something forgettable you wish they'd never done in the first place. You'll probably hate them if you liked the original film(s).

But the Ideal Remakes, oh my. It's every film geek's very own chance to be a film maker without all that fuss about working on the script, finding the money to make the film and well, without actually having to make the film. Because it's fantasy, and it's never going to happen, which of course guarantees the fact it stays perfect - unrealized, stored in your imagination.

It's a double-edged sword. On on hand, the likelihood of any of these happenings is ridiculously slim and if they did manage to make it, not with the exact cast I would've envisioned or they would just do a crappy job of it. On the other hand, I'd like nothing more than to see these turn into actual films.

I have plenty of these but two of them are special favourites.

1. Brokeback Bollywood

I can't remember how or when I thought of this but ever since I did, it made such perfect sense I couldn't stop thinking about it. Surely every film buff on the planet is familiar with the original movie, what with the coined phrases like "I wish I knew how to quit you" etc. Personally I thought it was a slightly slow film, but with some nice performances (I had a problem with how the romance progressed but you know, not having been a closeted homosexual in rural 1960's USA, I probably don't know how these things work).

For the desi remake, the choices are obvious: Aamir Khan and Shahrukh Khan.

Yeah, I said it. The two Khans who have never acted on the same screen I have fantasy-cast in a remake that India will probably not produce for the next 10 years or so (I mean heck, look how long it took Hollywood to make a commercial film centered around the subject). But think about it. Aamir as the silent, slightly stonefaced Ennis, whose expressions still tell a thousand words, and Shahrukh as the more extrovert Jack. The rest of the casting I haven't really thought through; what would really carry the movie is the acting of the two, and the imagery filled with mood. Somebody like Vishal Bharadwaj, accompanied by some brilliant South-Indian cinematographer might be just the thing.

Basically, I can't unthink it. And even then I haven't worked out how exactly the plot would play out, in what era etc.

2. Kiss Kiss B..ollywood?

I loved this movie when I first saw it, but my maybe third thought after finishing it was, "There should be a Sakshay remake of this, why isn't there one already?"

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is clever little black comedy that takes on the noir genre as well. It's written and directed by Shane Black and just chock-full of quotable one-liners and funny dialogues. The story kicks off when a small thief finds himself suddenly thrown into the world of Hollywood as an aspiring actor, taking lessons in spy-work from a gay private investigator. There's the girl who got away, and there's a body, and it's a really good movie which you ought to watch right now.

Saif of course would be the hopeless thief/actor and Akshay the private eye. The banter would just be to die for. The female role .. Vidya or Konkona, but I'd be willing to accept others. In the director's seat, well, Beth recently reviewed Johnny Gaddaar which I also liked a ton, so perhaps Sriram Raghavan would be perfect fit. He's huge on noir and I think he could extend his skills to not just thrillers but comedies as well. Who knows, could work.

--

But yes, these were mine. What would be your own "too good to be true - never going to happen" remakes?