Trashy Sequels 2013: Race 2 and Murder 3.

I really could not tell you why I decided to watch Race 2. I'm not a film critic, I'm not getting paid to watch and write about it. I'm also not a fan of the 2008 original Race movie - in fact, I devoted my entire review of it to praising the fact that stupendously bad Hindi films are still being made, and that film being an indicator of just how bad it can get. Race 2 continues this proud tradition, but with all the updated sleekness that I assume a budget twice the size of the first Race film can afford.

Not that plot or characterization is of particular importance in this film, but let's recap a bit anyway. Saif Ali Khan is back as Ranveer, sans his Bipasha Basu as Soniya, though she makes a brief appearance in a flashback. His new rival/friend is John Abraham, an Indian mobster who loves nothing more than money. Deepika Padukone is his half-sister, developing feelings for Ranveer's smooth-talking ways (picture me rolling my eyes as I type this mess). Then there is John's girlfriend, played by Jacqueline Fernandez, who seems to know Ranveer from somewhere. Unfortunately RD, Anil Kapoor's unfunny cop character from the first film, is also back, this time with assistant Cherry, Ameesha Patel. 

The biggest problem with Race 2 is that it's actively annoying and insulting to one's intelligence and other senses. I don't think a couple of songs can be even called music - even if you're a fan of electronically altered singing voices, this amount of autotune renders every human effort into hopeless robotic noise that is not pleasurable to listen to, even in a club setting. There's some sleek action that is entirely too reliant on wire work, so much so that it stops being interesting in its defying of reality, and more just unbelievable and dragging on needlessly. In some ways, Saif is more of an uber-capable agent man in this than in last year's Agent Vinod, jumping from windows and from tops of buildings like he's Spiderman. 

Then there are the twists and the incredibly dumb dialogues we all know and dislike from the first movie. The twists once again make sure you don't really trust or care about any character. There is none of that feeling of betrayal when one character appears to be bad when you previously believed them to be a good guy. In the world of Race movies, it doesn't matter. They'll re-align themselves three times by the time the film is over, so you're better off just about following along and not caring too deeply.

It almost feels a bit silly to talk about performances in films like this, where the dialogues are an insult to whatever modicum of talent each actor on the cast has. I'm sure you've seen the best ones quoted on Twitter or in other reviews, but here's a sampling of the groanfest we've come to expect: "So hot .. I'm burning with envy." "Cherry, I don't have time to pop your cherry." "You're gonna be so dead and I'm gonna be so rich."

Ameesha Patel and Anil Kapoor's plotline is particularly painful since they have set out to ruin fruit as a healthy snack for everybody who enjoys an apple or a banana every now and then. Who thought this was a good idea? 

But perhaps the most horrible thing about Race 2 is that it's simply so goddamn boring. It aims to cater to the most base needs of the audience - some violence, some twists, some bare skin (of both sexes) - and fails entirely to actually entertain. It's not so bad it's good, or fun to watch to cackle at the horridness. It's just dull and irritating. 

Murder 3, in true Bhatt sequel fashion, seems to have nothing to do with the first two movies, other than the confused title. It is also a very trashy sequel, but manages to at the very least be interesting in its utter stupidity. There is just one twist here, and it's silly as all hell, but it's the type of twist that makes sure you want to see the conclusion to it, no matter how inane.

Vikram (Randeep Hooda on a bad hair day) is mourning over the disappearance of his girlfriend Roshni (Aditi Rao Hydari) by getting heavily drunk. The girl who works at the watering hole he visits, Nisha (newcomer Sara Loren), takes him home one night because he's not in shape to drive himself home, and the two eventually begin a relationship. There is something strange about Vikram's house, however, Nisha soon discovers, and what ever did happen to Roshni, anyway?

Randeep Hooda (who is on a seriously, seriously bad hair day, and I cannot emphasise enough how much this diminishes my enjoyment of the movie) has the odd talent of portraying guys who just seem off in a way, which lends the first half of the movie a strange atmosphere. It feels like every warning bell in Nisha's head should go off, but apparently this guy who lives alone in a house far away from the city, with a girlfriend who's mysteriously vanished into thin air, is just dreamy enough to have sex with (yes, there are sex scenes, in a film from the Bhatt house - I'm as shocked as you are!). Or maybe Nisha's character is written as pointlessly stupid, only possessing a brain when the script wants her to have one.  

The only shining moments for Randeep (on a continuous, very, very bad hair day) are the scenes where he gets to play drunk, as he does quite a good job of it. Sara Loren is merely okay - she opts for under-acting instead of over-acting, which fools you into thinking she's quite capable, but in reality all she has to do is this blank frown of horror at various noises. It's not great acting.

As such, the film belongs to Aditi Rao Hydari, who I really enjoyed in London Paris New York (even if I didn't love the film itself). Her acting can be over-the-top at times, and her character is written as not precisely the sharpest pen in the pencil case, but at least she tries to spin this ridiculousness into a believable direction, and somewhat manages it.

The post-interval twist creates quite an intriguing dramatic circumstance, that made me actually interested in how the film was going to end. It's completely unbelievable and silly, of course, but in a way that kept me hooked until the end, and a part of that was Aditi's better-than-the-film performance. There's another twist the film could've taken, but opts out of, which proves that ultimately films like these are just absolutely horrible to women, and to the female characters they portray. I almost want to discuss spoilers with regards to this film - where it could've gone, and where it opted to go. 

Still, the amazing thing about watching this film after sitting through Race 2, is that it seems like a masterpiece of thrilling cinematic story-telling in comparison. I realise it is not - it's a stupid thriller that spins a plot to allow for some "bold" and "daring" sex scenes to be in there, while remaking (officially - to give them credit) a Colombian thriller called The Hidden Face. It does not deconstruct love, the claim made by producer Mukesh Bhatt, as there isn't a tale of love told here - at least not believably enough to count. I'm not sure who I'd recommend this film to. Probably no one - it's a film, it exists, you can watch it, but I'm not entirely sure why you would. Aditi Rao Hydari is good but not that good, and there isn't enough Randeep Hooda goodness here to sate a fangirl of his. Maybe give the Colombian original a spin instead?

To have and to hold, in sickness and in health - 7 Khoon Maaf.

A woman, and her seven husbands - all dead. The premise sounds macabre and exaggerated. But I'll never forget discussing wanting to see this film with an Indian guy I met during my recent globetrotting, and his (paraphrased from my memory) comment on the title.

"Khoon is like, sin. But then you add maaf, and it's all forgiven."

His point was, as I understood it, that there's a poetic tone to the title, and that same poetic tone underscores the movie. This film isn't rough and rustic like Omkara, or slick with dirty urban rain like Kaminey. It's part realism, part fantasy-like. Sadly, not all stanzas are equally strong.

I didn't have very high hopes. I'm not sure what I'd read but something told me this wasn't as universally praised or as liked as Kaminey. There are probably good reasons for it. There is plenty good, though - starting with the fact that Priyanka does well in her performance, and to compliment her acting, the way they've aged Susanna over the years feels realistic. Susanna gains a certain weariness as she ages, but never loses her spark. At times it seems like she's lost it completely, but somehow she's still in control, or about as in control as she can be, of her own life. I end up sympathising for a killer - not enough to think what she did was justified each time, but enough to hope she gets out of it, somehow.

The husbands are well cast. It's difficult to name stand-outs, to be honest. They all rather fit their roles and brought the essential core of each role, whether the husband was to be terrifying from the outset, lying but lacking malice or surprisingly menacing.

As ever, with Vishal Bhardwaj films, the music completely makes the movie. Almost every song is a treat, from the hard rock songs (O Mama & Dil Dil Hai) to the Kalinka-inspired Darling, where Rekha Bhardwaj delivers a song so catchy you almost wish you'd never heard it. A lot of the film feels, looks and sounds exactly right - these are the hallmarks of a Bhardwaj film. You are sucked into the world and unwilling to leave.

But like I said, there are weak stanzas. While John Abraham does fine in the role of the second husband, there is something that feels weirdly out of place about his segment of the story. Maybe it's the way the songs are picturized, his character's style that just kind of goes a little over-the-top, but something about it felt a bit off. The picturization for Yeshu could have been a little more subtle, and the comedic elements in the story of the Russian husband, while certainly appropriately dark, could have been toned down a little.

And let's face it, it's not easy to watch the suffering of a woman for over two hours. Not that a Bhardwaj film is ever all fun times, but there was something about the unrelenting circle of her life, even at the moments when the whole audience laughs darkly at the interval screen ("Four more to go.."), that makes me unsure I want to return to this film, solid though it may have been. Bhardwaj-saab, mujhse maaf kardo.

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And some less organised thoughts..

- Another example of National Awards really jumping the gun. She gets one for Fashion (bloody Fashion), and then goes and makes this one? What nonsense. (See also: Saif for Hum Tum. Dude goes on to make Omkara.)

- Neil Nitin Mukesh, despite being all menacing and the character being a bag of dicks, looks really good with a moustache ....so yeah.

- Seriously, I was in musical heaven throughout this movie. Can Vishal Bhardwaj come score my life so I can just have that on my iPod and not ever listen to anything again?

- Konkona Sen Sharma was barely there but left an impact. Anybody surprised?

- I haven't read the Ruskin Bond novel but I'm assuming it's a pretty good adaptation. Once Vishal Bhardwaj has scored my life, can he just adapt every book ever written? I'm thinking Jane Austen. It is a truth universally accepted, that every behenchod in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Gangsters, nautsch girls, the whole works.

No? Fine, I'll just keep day-dreaming, then..

That gay movie which is entirely non-homosexual whatsoever, no, sirree: Dostana.

When reviewing Dostana, I find myself knee-deep in a dilemma. Sure, it's a fun light romantic comedy more than anything else, and over anything the film tries to emphasize (as can be seen in the title) friendship. At the same time, a lot of the promotion, a lot of the hype and yes, a lot of the discussion after the film's release discusses one thing in particular: portrayal of homosexuality.

A funny thing about the film's promotion is in a way very telling of the film itself. They flirt with the idea of homosexuality quite loudly all around, jokes are being made about John-Abhishek being "jodi number one" and the part of the plotline is heavily emphasized. Then it's time to pull back on the reins, underlining the fact that Sam (Abhishek Bachchan) and Kunal (John Abraham) are only pretending to be gay in order to land a sweet apartment in gorgeous Miami, they're not actually gay, they're womanizing, very very heterosexual guys. Time to say, "the movie is about friendship, it's not trying to send a message".

Honestly, I don't blame them. It's a commercial film and making a straight-forward message film or a social commentary might hurt its chances at the box office. Karan Johar may be considered brave for making KANK but he's also got a business sense. If India's the country where homosexuality is still technically illegal, it's probably not quite ready for a Brokeback Mountain.

So how about the film itself? There's good and there's bad. Some of the portrayal of homosexuals (because yes, the film features some genuinely gay characters) is undoubtedly stereotypical, but not mean-spirited at all. There's allusions made to gay people being "not-all-male" which I mostly found really misinformed. At the same time, we see general acceptance - it's played up for comedy, certainly, but it's definitely there.

As far as performances go, Abhishek and Priyanka Chopra (playing landlady's foxy daughter Neha) win all the way. Movies like these make you wonder why Abhishek bothers with serious roles at all; he's just that good at comedy. John Abraham left me cold (yeah, I know, what the--). Maybe it's the role simply being more restricted than Abhishek's. Maybe it's just that he's not that great an actor (sorry, fans!).

The soundtrack is delightful and while there are some definite flaws in the second half (so much so that for a moment the film becomes a borefest, not a funny entertainer), which I won't get into as I'm trying to keep the review spoiler-free, Dostana is quite a fun ride. Let's hope the director, besides stepping out of Karan Johar's shadow, might actually also avoid some typical KJo mistakes with his next project.