Friday, May 7, 2010

How to be awesome on Twitter like Rahul Khanna in 3 easy steps.

1. Tweet in your strongest language and treat Twitter like an English(/Hindi/etc) teacher you're desperate to impress. Or like somebody whose pants you want to get into via showing them how smart you are. Don't be afraid to get a little overboard with it - when the rest of Twitterland is busy forgetting where a, e, i, o, u keys are (or as they would say, 'r'), you'll stand out favorably.

1.5. Familiarize yourself with the concept of parody. Embrace feeling special.

Case in point: i wory der iz no1 left who cn spel. r v doomd 2 cmunic8 in dis biz-r nu lang? im nt redy 4 an x-istenc wid only ltd vowls n no capitls.

2. Find a round-about way of describing ordinary events or daily observations that arouses reader attention and imagination. Such as,

- Working out: An afternoon of certain cardio-vascular scintillation awaits me on the elliptical & in the pool.

A plebe way of tweeting this - "off 2 workout plz twitter notice how im in gud shape tnx bye."

- Being hungover at work: Struggling through meetings & wishing I was in 'The Hangover 2' so I could justify the excesses of last night as research.

A plebe way of tweeting this: "omg sooo hungoverrr @at wrk rite nw had fun last nite tho :D :D :D :D :D lol"

- Doing online banking: Impressed with my credit card company's online security. It's virtually impossible for anyone to access my account - including me.

A plebe way of tweeting this: "fuuuucckkkkk :( :( :("

3. Develop a very ordinary, relatable addiction to a mostly harmless substance. Coffee, chocolate, breath mints, any of these work. Don't go overboard with it - you want to seem relatable, not obsessed or consumed with desire for something completely strange. If your Twitter bio mentions your biggest goal in life is to get your own Ben&Jerry's flavour, trust me, nobody is going to follow you, you crazy icecream person you.

Example -
I confess my mini-bar sins to the flinty receptionist & guiltily await the inflated bill I must pay as penance. Mea maxima culpa.

And you're there! Well, almost. I mean, it helps if you a) have been in movies, b) are a globetrotter extraordinaire, tweeting from London then California, then Mumbai - a show that you lead an incredibly interesting life, and c) look like this:

So ... just don't get your hopes up. We can't all win in life.


Tweets - R_Khanna
Pictures -R_Khanna @ Twitpic
Everything else - Depraved mind of @Veraciously, whose biggest desire in life is to introduce Ben&Jerry's Veraciously Twitterliciously Peppermint!.


Louella said...

Wow, so well-written! Kudos, I thikn I'll follow this steps :D

nakhrewali said...

You pretty much just articulated (and very well, might I add) why I am in love with Rahul Khanna for life now!

Rahul Khanna's tweets > all the rest of twitterdom combined

Hey no one said I have to be coherent did they?

ajnabi said...

Hahahahaha! This was an awesome first thing to read in the morning. Those plebe tweets had me chortling ridiculously.

Beth said...

I was just thinking how insanely attractive he makes himself in every possible way. It doesn't hurt that his last three film roles are basically the film version of his twitter persona either - and that he's getting press coverage for being such a classy guy online - so that everywhere we look, it is beautiful Rahul Khanna saying beautiful things with a delightful sense of humor and recognition of his place in the world of glitz.

Emaan Khan said...

Haha This was awesome! I must say I agree, he makes you think and then rethink! Well Written! Totally fun!
Hope I did just sound like a Plebe Tweet!Haha

Aquatic Static said...

Am not a big fan of Rahul Khanna per se, but I thought this was a fairly mean spirited post. It brought certain questions:

What's Rahul Khanna doing besides being himself?

Would you have the same issues with him if he wasn't famous - as in, do you think simply using proper grammar and having a vast vocabulary makes one pretentious?

Why must a celebrity be a half-wit to be 'real'?

No disrespect meant and you're obviously a gifted writer but seriously - grow up.

Anonymous said...

Wonder whose pants he is trying to get into ? ;) I think he has a shot at almost any pant he wants...

veracious said...

Thanks everybody! I think somebody anonymous requested a post like this, and I had fun crafting it so glad you appreciated. :)

Aquatic - I can assure you, the tone of the post is most appreciative and done in love, even if it is gently mocking Rahul's "standing out" amongst the other Bollywood tweeple. The man himself RT'ed a link to the post on Twitter - a clear show he did not take offence. I do not desire for him to start typing like an idiot, and I love the way he expresses himself on this platform.

You could say the post, much like Rahul's tweets, expresses appreciation for his tweeting abilities but in a slightly tongue-in-cheek, roundabout manner.

Maru7627 said...

Stumbled upon this great post and terrific witty blog thanks to a bollywhat link!

Hate the twit-etiquette of mangling the English language, so Twitter isn't my thing. However Rahul Khanna seems like a worthy exception :)

Anuradha said...

Awesome post!

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

HAHAHA! Love this. And love Rahul Khanna. :-)